I’m dealing with feelings lately. My own actually. I told to myself that i shouldn’t, but after a few moment looking to the man in the mirror, i know now: i’m running from it. These vibrations are so strong inside. I’m giving too much love, but i don’t know which one is mine. Funny to see that i’m telling everybody to see the love that they deserved. BUt i didn’t play the rules i made for my own game. Maybe i’m expecting too much. Either its the bravest thing i did or the most stupid. The thing is, i don’t believe in feelings especially what human called love. Don’t you easily says you fall in love when the facts says no! Traumatic isn’t the correct word for what i’ve experienced. I’m stupid yes, but i’m not that foolish. Human emotions and feelings are the blackhole in our lives. It sucks in every logic and realities that should worked us. Feelings are wicked, like a snake on the fruit and made it forbidden to eat. I should overcome my fear of these feelings issues. But on the other hand i don’t wanna take the pain no more. I know what hurt is. When i make these errors, make me so barenaked in my humanity. I don’t feel comfortable with it. My heart began to race, my thought wondering off from my border of logic, and expectations running wild in my head. Hate that.
Archive for June, 2005
Dealing Feelings
I know that i couldn’t let go of the past.
Saying goodbye is the saddest part. Like Madonna saying: There’s no greater power than the power of good-bye. But love is pain, well i dont take my leaving as a burden but becoz i loved all those people, i felt pain when is time to leave them. But what else can i say? reality just pushed people out of their bed and wake up. If you wanna be somebody, if you wanna go somehwre: you better wake up and pay attention. Hell yeah! I wanna go to a better living condition and i gotta work hard for it. I asked my ex about changing my job and all, a few days ago. "Is it unprofessional if you had a hard feeling leaving one job?", no answers. is just that, working in news giving me a lot of affection, so much lesson i’ve learnt, so much love i had. All is full of love. from the people in messenger, they’re just like my dad(s). No, they’re better than my biological dad that i’ve never know. And news gathering people, producers, administration staff, manager, and even my boss (you rock!). They’re the best bunch i’ve ever been with. Not forgetting all the cameraman and news reporters and also studio 5 (that’s recently burned down) gawd, giving me so much pressure and rush hours, love it!! And all the people at operator, promo dept, and all….
Gawd, all is left only memories. But if i get any deeper i’ll stuck in a moment and i’m playing the drama of my life. Things are changing, but nothing changes. And still there are changes.. Life is a great techer for me. A year in news departement i had my time of self-mutual understanding, the key of communication and the lesson of facing realities.
Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind..
Nothing to regret, only a strong will and a positive thinking to make my days happy as it was and always was. I know that sweet sweet Lord won’t leave me all alone. He don’t make problems and fears go away, he makes me stronger in everyway to face them all…hell yeah.
Last night was a jam. Dancing all nite long. Well, i did broke my promise that i make to myself: quit partying for sometime. But i was in a jam my self. I’m stuck on my papers, got no fucking idea! So anyway, it was just one night of fun.
Beben invite me as a guestlist at Bliss. He was a friend of Kesya. Well, it was o’rite for a start. Except for the waiting part (he’s working there). And he introduced me to some of his friends, Kesya couldn’t be there, working at Matabar. So, we we’re having fun and all. I got home at 3am. And when i woke up in the morning i got some missed call and a couple of SMS. It was from Kesya. This person defenitly doesn’t like me hanging out with his side-kick, Beben. Yeah, they’re best friend or something. It was written in my cell phone with so much capital and so much anger that i was a fraud, liar, etc..etc…
I got no idea what was going on. What was wrong hanging out with a person with nice attitude and all. Did i mention that Kesya got something on me? It’s an old story, i already got a girl and this person just kept pouring so much attention on me. Not that i don’t like it, but hey, chill out! All is full of love ayt? I dunno, but as i assumed, we got a jealousy as an issue here. Beben gave me this message in my phone too. He told me that Keysa on in to me and he don’t wanna ruin their friendship and ruin my **ship (??) with Kesya. That’s my point! What is the main issue that i have to stay away from Beben when i got no string attached with Kesya. Aha! Well, whatever happen. I just wanna letcha all know that it’s been great knowing all you people, Newyorkerz. Yup, friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on….
Holes In My Head (Today)
Evreything is a vivid image now. Eyes shut but i still see lights. Playing around in my head, swimming through my cortex. Simple things just suddenly became today’s greatest issue in my world. You have no idea. Such contribution is too much, so much support and help is going to be the best for me now. Intervention and distortion is the main project nature playing with me. Maybe i shouldn’t blame someone or something else for what has happenned in my life. My ego has landed. Once the wise says that when a human being reach the point of their passion and desire, they’re going back down again. Yeah, the wheel of life. For example, when someone loves sex so much, that person wouldn’t stop unless he/she reach the peak of sexual mountain, i mean all. And the road he/she chooses after that, maybe turned into a monk or a very religious person. I dunno. Strange to see what is beyond everything. What will happen when we reach everything. What you and me dreamt of. Funny. Pain inside sometimes our best friend. No one or anything could heal. The answer lies within ourselves.
My moment of peace, when i was having my holiday by a boat, i go to the highest floor level. The top. It was 1 AM i the morning, dark, peaceful, the sky was as clear as you could imagine. The stars, wow…it’s was undescribeable. Right at that moment, the journey of my life flashing me by as if you are going to die. I was thankful for nothing. I was happy for a moment there. Slidding back to my complex mind and harsh reality, i know i could make this. yeah, sure i could make it with the love i have around me. All is full of love. And the love i will find. The inner of source of the body, mind and soul.
Reality Bites
The rain falls hard tonite. Nothing to do beside picking up so-not-important phone calls. I love tonite, the peace, the lateness it brings…so steady.
"Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on…"
That’s so i’ve heard from Baz. I dont understand why some people talking about love when the dont know such things. Shallow mind and narrow soul. Why dont they understand that love has no level, it cant be placed or counted, and its nothing, just a word. Why cant they see that all is full of love, dont just stare the direction YOU are looking at. Dont ask love from which the first place you has settled it….hmm…i just dont get it…
This writting is for you-know-whom i’m talking to.
But maybe it’s just me and my wide open space. The center of my ego, my river of believes has carried me too far. From the world i’m living in, the small society i’m settling in, the people i’m seeing. I know from the beginning it’s gonna end up like this. My life is not for me, it’s for those i’m living for. You can’t have me, you are my only girl, but you’re not my owner, remember?
Please dont compare my love with someone else. You wont find any connection even though it is the same thing.
Reality bites, especially from me. I thought you knew me but you dont. Sorry, but all is full of love…i dont know about you…
Phasing
Today’s it’s quite hot, i’m trying to avoid the heat and the sun anywhere i could. Nothing’s special. I had to signed my 2nd year contract for my job with my work friends today. We demand a better respect and payment for this new contract, so we had a little conversation with the manager at the office. I dunno, things just get a bit tighter lately, financially. My friend, Jodie, he offered a new job in Sudirman, this new coorporation from abroad just opened their 1st branch here in Jakarta. He already signed a job contract, starting next month he’s outta from our work place. Anyway, i think i’m gonna take his offer to work with him. But sometimes i’m just afraid, facing changes. I’m already felt comfort with my environment here. The people are nice, even though some people are like shit. But most of them is like a family. I dunno, is it unprofessional? But far from it, i need better sallary. I have things to reconsider, but this offer ain’t gonna come twice. Easy job, good payment (it’s worthed)..hey, where else do u gonna find them?? I had to move again, to another rent. But even though that new place is closer to home, i ain’t gonna butt myself home again. I’m going mad there, wasting my whole energy (don’t ask, long story).
so, i guess…bye bye blue bird, hello better money…
Everybody’s Free
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
(Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen)
Humanitation
today everything is almost perfect.
nice cloudy day and and it’s a bit cool after it rained.
at the office nothing’s new, busy, chatter and everything amongst.
got home, doing some paper work and a nice supper.
just when everyhting’s cool down, something’s stroke me. a clearly thought that always acompanied me when i’m alone.
i was listening to sade - by your side.
me and my girl are at a muted time i could say. i choose pending our relationship becoz i wanna get some serous bussiness at my study. cliche, eh. but that’s how i felt rite now. cruel? thanks.
anyway, as i was listening to the tunes, i remember one nite, long ago.
i was listening to this same song at my room and i was crying.
boys dont cry, i know. but those tears just comin’ at me ya know…
i felt so lonely…so sheddered…i dont know where i am..who i am..
at these times, i misses my folks. hh..got no one to blame.
i just wanna be in one of the situation as it says in the song lyric:
“…when you’re cold/ i’ll be there hold you tight to me. when you’re alone/ i’ll be there by your side baby…”
i still haven’t found the one. my religious side taught me that JC is my personal saviour. but sometimes i felt that i’m faith-blinded. i wish the world is over so i could be with Him. well, that’s my melancholic side speaking. and that is exactly how i feel now.
i just don’t know what i’m babbling about…
let me live my realistic live for now.
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