pagi ini gw sudah dipertemukan dgn yg namanya bad mood. waktu masih di kost-asn seh engga. tapi pas mulai keluar kost mo ke kantor…pertama, earphone yg sdg gw pake tiba2 mati sebelah kiri. udah diudek2 tetep aja ga mo memperdengarkan suaranya. damn! gw mati kalo ga ada music. udah mana jari tangan gw robek, ga ada band-aid, ntar nyari di warung dkt kantor. trus pas di bus, ada aja tante2 yg rese. udah penuh (ga sepenuh2 anjing seh) tapi berdiri trus tuh tante2 maksa geser2 padahal sebelah dia masih lapangan bola. ya udah gw ngalah pindah. eh dia ngikutin lagi! geser lagi, kali ini gw ga mo pindah, soal’e sebelah gw ada mas2 yg gaya berdirinya dah p-w. tuh tante menjulurkan tangannya ke pegangan kurssi yg pas di belakang punggung gw. jadilah gw pegel nyender stengah badan ke kursi yg ada tangannya dia. kayaknya dia sengaja membuat kesal pagi yg indah ini. bitch. there’s 2 type of bitch possibilities: one, she’s testing my dick and two, she’s testing my nerves. trus udah kaki gw ga ada tempat berpijak, ada lagi tante2 yg udah dpt tempat duduk di belakang gw nyenggal-nyenggol paha gw. apa dia pedofil yah? she’s like 50 something. hweeh. nyampe juga kantor. pas sampe kantor mo beli band-aid dikasih merk apaaa gitu. pas gw buka motifnya love-love pink gitu…males bgt. hmmph…we have to stay positive, right? so gw pikir there’s still many hours of happiness ahead of me. sweet sweet Lord won’t give us a bad day right? just smile and kick their ass. btw, selama gw ngetik ini jari gw bedarah2….sakit bgt….
Archive for July, 2005
Pagi? Siapa takut!
Stuck In A Moment
I suddenly woke ip in middle of my sleep. never happen before. a certain kind of thought stood up and makes its way through my cells in my my brain. a thought of someone broght me to my past . a kiss still be the same kiss, a hug so comforting, unexplainable same mind in two different person. how could someone totally different are the same person in certain ways? its the old tricky memories playing games with me. i admit it. i couldn’t let go of the past. it’s hard to do that in life. memories kept ringing bells on me. not a very healthy one, so that person got pissed. of course you don’t want to be compared to your ex or whatever. but that’s how i feel. like history repeats itself. i like that person i’m just scared. i’m afraid i’ll going thru the same experience when i’m with my ex. sometimes i hate when i remembered that person, when i’ve to talk about it with a friend, write it in my blog, just a piece of the past that touching my soul tonight. like when you like a person so much, you hates them. when i talk about avoiding dramas, when i got myself stuck in this situation, i’m playing one right at that time. holding on to the past is drama. don’t make that simple experience becomes the world’s number one issue. what we have been through don’t take control of your life or make you becomes someone in your past. har isn’t? this person that i’ve been with told me this: "if you fall, you get up. stuck in a dream, you wake up. and if you find joy, you hold on to it. don’t question it. just hold on to it". The wisdom are the Lord’s blessing which sometimes so powerfull, human thought its what is called emotions. that path leads to dectruction, that is.
…And there.
Another new week, another adventure’s waiting. Well last week was a blow out for our plannned fun. But that’s cool, i mean at least although we only a few bunch of people, we still enjoyed our weekend. Many new poeple i’ve met they brought me this new spirit into my dull life..hehe. Ucha got his a job (finally) at Shangri-la hotel as a Communication Organizer. And today is his birthday so consider that as your birthday gift from sweet Lord Jesus 
anyway, this week is my simulation week. next week is our Expo at Mulia hotel. It’s gonna be hell, i could tell. Gimme strength O dear Lord…
Been Great
I’m at my new office rite now. we’re just about to have our lunch now. feels good in my very first day of training. nice people, nice boss and great environment. at first i’m a bit scared facing my new job, but sweet sweet Lord help me through this. we still have our training until 6pm. well, i’m starving here, so until then.
Mindless Part II
I suddenly woke up and it was 1:17 in the morning. Nothing special, just a disturbance of my good night sleep. Paul maybe already at his apartment after watching Gie with his friends, he sent me an sms hours ago. I asked how was the movie but it still pending on the report, maybe he turned off his cell phone. I’m listening to Andien-di batas mimpi, I like her voice. Yesterday Lisa told me that Mery; my ex (a point of statement that we already separated, not that important though) is telling off everybody that we’re still together. What a wacko. I mean if someone couldn’t handle breaking up thing, but this one is really losing it. What’s wrong with getting along the idea that two being is no longer having a relationship? This thing is one of kind of many reasons that I have to hate human life. Too much drama. Or maybe it’s just me a heartless human being, bohoho. Pfft, like I would take that for real?? HaH! Well, to myself I just take this as one of a not so good relationship that I have. Yes, a mistake in my freaky life. Life is just a very long road with short amount of gasoline that we have. A process of learning brought people to a point where he knows that knowledge is a gold for a worthless importance. But it still worthy for himself, no one else could see it. Weird eh? Hey, that reminds me of people that I’ve help all along. Reyna, Ibnu, more names that I couldn’t remember. When they’re in their lowest point, I tried to be there for them. And now when they’re succeeding, well no news for me. Not that I need a reward of compliment for helping them, it’s just I’d like to know how are they doing now. Maybe they’re busy or whatever. My friend, Alex is getting really angry if I help other people. He keeps saying what for helping others when they’d give a shit when I’m having problems. It’s just felt nice helping people, but he’s got a point there. Some people that once I’m giving a hand would just disappeared for me when I’m in a need. The phrase "do what you want other people do to you" is not working quite well for me. I don’t really care. When helping others giving me a pleasant feeling, I’ll keep on doing that. Like I always said to myself, I’m just a burning candle in the darkest day.
Mindless Part I
Sometimes we have our own deadly enemy. It’s ourselves. When we talk about satisfaction and pleasures, that’s usually when they attacks. They appear come out from nowhere. Right when we say: "I’ve got my spot!" times like that just make them stronger and destruct our quality time. It doesn’t have a from of shape, smell nor color. Like a rhythm of negative thoughts in our lazy Sundays. Or whisp of wind in the trees without moving it branches. Likely, those what we called ‘guilty feelings’ (hey, it’s the nearest name i could find) rise above all trauma’s that we had. Maybe trauma not an exactly the word I’d like to use, bad habits would do? Well, that "x-factor" stand upon the mistakes we use to make before. Either that bad sex, white lies, guilty pleasures, guilty-guilty, crimes that we commit that laws can’t sue, etc. yea, like a rain on a sunny day. But with no clouds, it just happened. The question is, what could we do about it? Nothing? Well, most of the people just let them happen in their own pathetic lives. But i don’t feel quite right living with that so-called x-factor. Giving me an unsatisfied feeling. Usually i make myself stupid near the people when I’m having those guilty feelings. I get embarrassed. Thankfully those people quite understandable of my moment of shame and don’t give a shit. So, it is ourselves that has to get rid of them (I’m not using the term ‘fight’, coz its too general). Don’t let them sap in. it’s hard I know, but at least let you feel that losing moment for a while and let it go. You’ll feel you’re gaining ur strength again. You feel good when it’s finally going right. And then smile. Hasn’t practically doing it, so when you succeed in doing so, tell me about it :p
Sexy Mind, Go Soulful
I just woke up at 10.30 this morning. i’m not tired of anything actually just lazy around with myself. i was at Paul’s apartement the night before. before that i was going to the movies with Riau. my crazy fellah. at blok m plaza was very crowded for monday, coz its nomat time! full of scholl students and many fashionista for movie goers. we watched Fantastic 4. for me that film was more like a moving comic book. nuttin special for the story but nice computer effects. and Paul sent me an sms, he asked how was the movie. bad movie with nice effects. and he asked me to join him watching the clock moving togerther at his place. and i say why not. i’m not working this whole week. enjoying my days before i’m gonna die of getting tired of the schedules the new company has prepared for me.
So when i got at his apartement, he was just listening some tunes. nice songs, i love them. we talk about everything. and suddenly the lights when out. the whole building actually. so, he light a candle, open the window and we continue the converstation again. heavy topics, but we had enough. and we just discuss about simple things. i said to him that he refilled my fuel again. i already imagine things i could write and draw with all the talks we had for days. river of ideas is widely burst out. it’s hard for me to find someone i could really talk with. i mean mind like me and its weird thoughts. i really had a good time with him, especially after the problems i had with my girl. i’m glad it’s over. but she just can’t face it. what a drama queen. what a human. sunday night i went to her house to have a real talk. i did make my point. but she’s making it wastefull with all the ridiculous reasons, pointless promises and cheap faces. i’m trying to avoid drama’s in relationship. well, can’t blame her. she’s younger and she’s just people. i consider myself half people maybe. and then, i left from her house at midnight. the next morning, my cellphone is full of her messages. she’s making an apointment with my cousin and would like to have a talk with him. i know what she’s about to talk is mostly about me. i dont give a shit. it’s her rights. i was at paul’s place when she asked me to come home and have another talk. i said what else? i’m running out of conversation with you girl. let it go. life’s goes on. you’ll find dozens od guys waiting to be your man. well, i already did what i think is right. and she just gotta face the hard truth. life doesn’t always go the wasy we wanted. but at least we know what we wanted. and try to make them real.
A Piece Of Maze
Today was absolutely great! It was my day off and the start of work free week *the new company start at 19th of July* and i have an apointment with somebody this evening. He’s a friend of Bly, his name is Paul Agusta. He’s hal American, half Padang. A really akward and odd person you’d ever met and that is just fantastic for me. We met at Sarinah for a nice conversation. He is just this ordinary guy with excellent ideas. he makes short movies, a music geek as he would described himself and totaly a perfect mirror for me. He reflected different things but the same objects for myself. We goes to Elizabeth house at lembang, she’s about to go to China for an AIDS project, she’s a researcher or something. Nice person though, and great friends from different backgrounds, music, films, human rights, and so on and so on. Anyway, i also met Michael which is Paul bestfriend. We didn’t talk much but he’s really got this something that quite interesting to observed too. So, the party was great, it goes until around midnite. And we hit Paul’s apartment for another minute. I finally found that someone who i could really share my mind too. His point of view to the world and everything sorrounds him is much as the same as i have. Like a barcode to the right product. I just couldn’t described what it is but it feels so right. I told Bly that when i met him, he would brought some changes in me. Like i was expecting him, and i was right wasn’t i? You brought Paul right in front of me! It’s like my mind tank is full again, with the right refill of course. The way i see the world is just exactly how he saw it too. Maybe it’s just too overwhelming for him, but it wasn’t. Facts talks. These vibrations aren’t just silences. It brings my door down and travelling through spaces of limitless borderlines.
All Is Full Of Love
This is my last day at news dept. I bought some cakes for the people at my office. And so many thank you’s i’ve received. So many love that is shared. From my boss, until every cameraman and reporters, they’re trully the best. Actually i was leaving together with my friend, Jodie. But it feels like that my leaving really makes something more…i just couldn’t believed it. Sweet sweet Lord really taking care of me with everyone sorrounds me. This stuff makes my leaving more difficult. Hh…i love every people in here. The producers, manager, executive manager and producers…cool.
Another lesson that i’ve learn. That just being yourself and give the love like you trully mean it. You’ll received more than you’d expected. Another lesson is be professional in every task being given. Never mixed you personal shit with work, never gonna happen dude. And last is make your environment happy for you instead looking for a happy environment. And you’ll be happy all along. Been there, done that.
All this people is the energy that i need to go through a new life. Vibrations that they sent with their affections is more powerfull than every words could say. Every hard feeling’s gone. This is where the drama taken his part. Trying to set his big fat ass in my brain, sending codes into my hormon and makes me think i’m living fully human. His army of emotions bombing every sell and nerves in my human body. But my state of conciousness know more that that. If i stay awake it could never take control of me. It’s just a form of process of getting in another level of life. Reaching beyond what is all are. Way beyond. This is my journey of phasing into another road. Just be the real you, don’t try to play as someone. I know i am.
Strength In My Fear
Since next week i’m moving to a new job, i gotta quit my old rent and moved somewhere closer to my new work place. I already hunt someplace else and it’s no good. Some of it are a bit far and expensive. Else is worst: way outta my budget, tiny bity space, far and like living in a garbage. Hm..so this means i gotta find a way to make an easier way to work. I have made a decision. I’m moving back with my mom and aunties.
A year ago, i’ve made my choice to getta hell outta there ASAP. I couldn’t live among them. Despite that their have raised me and all with their money, that doesn’t make them have the rights to ruin my life. My mom never married and so does my aunties. maybe that what makes them so hard-headed. With all those screaming in the morning and yelling in the night, i just gotta save me from them. What i always saying to myself: they have turned me from a wooden stick into a blazing sharp knife. And i damn liked it. You would never know what i have been through in that house. So many humiliation, so many tears and anger. I believe something is over powered that old piece of house. My ex knows how exactly i have suffered when i lived there. That is my fear.
Until one day my prayer is answered. I got a job, i could support myself and i moved out. It’s like breathing a new life. My life for once. But now, situation just pushed me back to where i was falling. I don’t know wether i could handled the days again. I like the idea when everybody just give a shit about their own lives. My mom is just…how would i describe her, eh? Something that’s just too much for someone like me. She likes controls so damn much, everything gotta be like she wanted, and if it doesn’t….ooh…you don’t wanna know how bad she would hated it. Mostly i don’t spend much time going out from my room. Just going to the bathroom and eat i guess. I never felt that bull about having "quality time" with your parents and all. I did tried to open myself to her, but everytime i did, all i get in return in pain and agony. Maybe it all seems too much for you, but really, you gotta put yourself in my boots. And after a phone call with my ex, i know i’m not supposed to run from what i’m afraid of. I should face it. "Do one thing everyday that scares you".
Here i am, everything in my past had pushed me to a i-don’t-care-no-more situation. I live for me, my friends and God. Thanks to her, i know what reality is. I’m giving credits for you mom. Hurray…
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