why can’t be in love? a state of emergency. where you cannot control yourself. you have given your body, mind and soul into a greater power beyond logic. where people do stupid stuff. selfsih and ego control in the name of four silly words. it’s not black and white no more, lies covers beneath beautiful colours. simplified in the center of the restless storm where imagination running wild. hopes becomes your hunger minutes by minutes. but you’re not sure is it gonna last? i have denied this state over and over before and ever. i have open the 
door into a world of deceitness and walk towards it. its sweet and vunarable words strokes me in every direction. i’m no longer the hunter, yes, i’m the one being hunted. i have given myself to it. to something i don’t understand, yet so embelish. just this one time please….let me be in my state of jeopardy. maybe i’ll suffer the causes of death. my dying soul isn’t going to last, or his. we all aren’t. but my mind will. only this time. let me have it. that moment that is mine. this time i’m gonna keep it to myself. it makes me want to hurt myself again. just left me alone together. i know this is no coincidence. this happen for a reason. i find an accurate copy, a blue print of the pleasure in me. a state of emergency, how beautiful to be. my state of emergency: this is where i want to be….
Archive for October, 2005
MORSE CODE(s)
G. ood.by. E
Truth doesn’t like to play with dreams, paradox, suggestions, or advice. I sprout ir once to someone who cannot cope with the truth. She just believe in what she want to believe in. No room for other sufferings or i-do-care attitude. Maybe i’m too selfish, maybe it’s my late ego. But listen:
It’s like yesterday
I didn’t even know your name
Now today
You’re always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You’ve got me on a natural high
It’s almost like I didn’t even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise
Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don’t know what the future holds
But I’m living in the moment
And I’m thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surprise
Sinful Pleasure
Aku masih didera cinta. Bukan buta, bukan tak biasa. Terlalu fana namun bagiku ini seolah nyata. Dia mungkin bukan siapa-siapa. Namun mampu membuka gerbang karat ini. Gelap dibuat sedikit lebih terang, yah setidaknya aku tahu kemana langkahku berjalan. Seolah mimpi seorang pemimpi yang tidur hingga tak seorang pun mampu membangunkan. Kemarin dia bukan siapa-siapa. Hanya sebuah nama yg seperti nama-nama yang telah melewatiku dalam masa. Tapi kini, namanya selalu ada dalam benak, pikir, nafas, handphone, buku, website, hati. Bullshit mungkin terdengar. Tetapi tidak. Terlalu lama kunci ini aku pegang sendiri. Kukantongi dan tidak pernah aku keluarkan apalagi kugunakan. Mengunci bibir dan hati kecilku. Mungkin aku terlalu lama dalam sisi gelapku. Terlena karena pedih, terbuai dalam mimpi yang mengiris. Tapi aku suka, gila? Apapun alasanku dia telah ada dalam lembar diriku yang kini telah berubah. Seiring waktu pribadiku bergeser ke arah cahaya. Mencari sesuatu yang memang tak berarti: cinta. Dia baik, perhatian, biasa, luar biasa, apa adanya, menjagaku dan membawa sebuah ketulusan yang tidak ada tapi terasa hingga kedalam dada. Apa aku salah? Apa aku gila? Melawan semua norma yang telah dibuat manusia sedangkan aku sendiri manusia. Dalam tingkat yang sama mencari nilai yang sedikit berarti. Banyak kata melawan diriku atas dia. Aku tak perduli. Siapa dia? Tuhan? Hati berbicara dalam sebuah kehampaan kosong. Menggema sedemikian besar hingga aku sendiri takut untuk mendengarnya. BIarkan aku berjalan berdua kali ini, sebab lihat, dibelakangku hanya langkah kakiku saja yang ada. Mungkin beberapa langkah yang tidak beraturan yang melewati alurku. Namun kali ini aku ingin mencoba menjadi manusia. Mungkin tidak seutuhnya karena munafik. Sedikit waktu yang ada untukku, ingin kubagi sedikit untuk dirinya. Memang fana, sama saja seperti diriku, dunia dan seluruh isinya.
Promises is a very hard thing to keep especially to yourself. You think you could, but you couldn’t. I have known these times would comes. Where the sound coming back to me, which i once sang to myself. Feeling..hah. My old friend and my worst enemy. I couldn’t lie to myself just like that. I know the truth all along and i’ve been living in denial these past weeks. Maybe…i dunno. I’m not trying to make another drama by keep telling me to avoid one i’m running from. It’s just not that easy. Ucha told me that love will stay if you’re willing to fight. Alex tells me a whole lotta different story. He say that don’t play around with this thing no more, remember what God reminds u…
Hmmm…ucha baby, i’m not searching for love,, i don’t even know one! i’m searching for…for…well, i’m not sure at this moment yet. and alex, damn u. what God has to do with this? i’m not doing something wrong, i’m just being…me. I’m not like u who avoids everything except monkey remote..haha.
Searching? Hm. Is that what the world is all about? Why does everytime someone doing something has to do with a result, an answer, a question mark, a wanted.
I don’t want to be here or there. I just like my spot, warm, dark, cozy. I just want someone who could take care of me. I mean really care, really share. Is there is someone like that? I think’s just a whole lotta crap. I’ve been there, felt everything that a person shouldn’t. The problem is i think i know one one. This one really treated me good, i mean really good. A reflection of a missing father (i wish, which is impossible). But i’m scared. Scared of nothing. Coz love is nothing. Hard to explain, but felt so real. I’m in no hurry i could wait forever. I’m in no rush, coz i like being solo. There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime. I’ll live like there’s no tomorrow…..
it’s true. don’t get too excited in onday coz ur gonna cry the next day.it was sunday, nice, lovely and everything. me and my work mates went to one of our friend’s wedding. we laugh till the sunset. everything was beautiful.until monday, my pda won’t connect to my pc. i have to get the cd drive from the dealer since he forgot to give it to me. he said come in the morning, i did. he’s not open yet and i’m late for work. so he said, ok, come at 8pm. and at the night my work is like hell i’m late to go to his litle shop at mall ambasador. he closed just 5 minutes after i arrived. shit. that’s not all, my flash disk mp3 player, won’t read. shit shit shit. tuesday, ha! same thing happen. i lost ALL my contact list from my address book file. it won’t syncronized with my pc, my gprs won’t do even if i already ready that damn manual..hmm…actually there’s more things comes like a big pile of ass in these two days. hate it. well, i haven’t closed my eyes to sleep since now is 6 in the morning. i don’t care coz i’m tired. well,all things are ment to be broken. life found itself a way to make a balance and once again wreck my days. but i accept it. fair enough, you don’t always get the good stuff ain’tcha? "sometimes ur up sometimes ur down, in anyway the wheel of life will always turning, and it won’t stop..even for you."
re-SOUND
Here’s an echo (not a stain)…a track back of my back-lashed mind:
8/10/2005 Power Means Nothing
It’s been few weeks since i write my blog. i was so busy doing my office opening with some international staff that were really helping (richard, u are my superman!) it was great and all but it’s just hell. i love it!one night i was thinking i dont think i’m ready for another relationship (yeah, i’ve got one and it’s officiall this time :p) i mean, i love my job and they pay me for doing so. i just kept breaking promises in my relationship. i’m sorry but i mean it. but i didn’t do it on purpose. maybe i’m making human erors again. ya know, one of those stupid mistakes when someone is having their good times and they wanna do weird stuff in that good times? anyway, i really dont know what should i do with it. does human often left their "errors" and sickness and live eith it. or they try to do something with it, make it worse and say to themselves: "at least i’m doing something about it." damn right. haha. life is palying with me since i lose my control a bit on it. see, u control life, but life is controlling you when you dont have the control to control the life you’ve controlled. whatever. i know my part know, and always knew. i still can’t trust humans. i sat in my desk, looked up to all my work mates. i love them, but i dont trust them .myself told me dont, coz i’ve been hurt many times by these humans. not just these humans, but all out there. just trust God and myself. maybe my "firewall" is taking too much. but from what’ve learn i know much. i know many pain, joy and other complicated things even freud could explain. in these moments i just let my self get carried away with life’s smooth lil’ waves. and when the tidal comes, i know i’m placing my boat in a steady state.
8/11/2005 The Truth Is Here
Some things are meant to be hidden until it comes to time where truth is unavoidable. words are not meant to be spoken unless you mean them. i have loss a relationship that i haven’t started yet. now i know that maybe i’m affraid of commitment. that’s why i always keep telling everybody i like to have a realtionship without any strings attached. i wanted to be bounded under no gates and walls. a cage of illusion. i like being under control but not controlable. hmpph..it’s hard to describe until i’m doing it. these two days i kept calling my exgirlfriend and building the coomunication that i’m always avoid for some reason. the reason is i wanted her to understand and realise that our break up is not something that she should cries for. many things had developed between us in our so little time. and so with paul, he’s the one i’m talking about losing realtionship when we haven’t had one. stupid. but no one is. only conditions that are stupid. we are so blinded of illusions that kept eating us from inside and we called them hope. i like my times of pain. it reminds me i’m doing the right thing. keep on track, know wutta i mean?
8/12/2005 Down The Alley and Up It Goes…
i was walking home from my work. the nite was so calm, i love it. my job is going smoothly today. no short or lost sales order. sweet Lord is guide me thru all that. with His superwoman, Sumi. anyway, when i was walking along the railway, listening to chumbawamba - mary mary (one of the best soundtrack ever!!) i was thinking that why does a human has to look good in front of others. i mean why cant they gone bad but with all the good? like an angel with attitude ya know? is that a sin? who said that? God? what we could measure is ourselves and no one else. i read the bible and sometimes i cant stop thinking why people really into this pile of paper? not that i’m arguing with the Superior, i love my Christ more than ever. but i’m questioning the paradox, rules, limitations and walls sorrrounding our lives. so many whys and no single answer. well, i did get answer but it comes from humans, my priest, my very religistic friend, my relatives but they’re barely just like me. i’m a kind of person who bend rules for what i feel right. i go to church and i love singing to the Lord. but i’m also loves clubbing and drinking. that’s what i see in my life for called balance. a fairity that’s equal to both side of a human being. we’re not that white and we’re not that sinfull either. we’re dreamers in endless space. so why limit ourselves with a life that is being measured by stupid rules? You wanted perfect, you got your perfectNow I’m too perfect for someone like youI was a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smileBut you’ll never be as perfect whatever you doi’ll be uncarefull and cause such scenesand i’ll never talk of used to be’statoo my face, i won’t go graybe dancing king, i’m growing old disgracefully
8/18/2005 We’re In Paradiso
i dont understand how the world works in me. nothing seems to go in order if everybody wanted their rules to run. i dont give a shit. i love my little hell. that’s my paradise. some people just can’t face the finish line. they don’t know when their time of success. they wanted more. and more. my hand is still held by somewhat of shadows that are familiar with my past and present. i hate my mom. not as a mother since she’s not my mother. please don’t judge me too soon. walk in my boots and you’ll know. but you wouldn’t, would you? she’s my hades, she’s my nosferatu. sucking my life from inside. with her love and freaky ways of tender. i don’t want them. but it kept coming. i know these days would come. i don’t know where i supposed to stand. the sky that’s supposed to be everyone’s sky, ground for every feet to stand on. i’m losing my grip. once was an old tale, not very long ago. where i’ve found my gate. my sense of direction is coming at last. but now its ruined. well, not really ruined, only lost and vanished inside thick smokes. what have i said? God would hate me for hating my own "parent". but i know He’s fair. somehow. in His own beautiful way…
8/18/2005 ??
these are the days i’ve been afraid of. i know i shouldn’t but i did. not fully scared just regereting the choice i’ve made. i already walking throught this road of trial and tribulations and i have to be down with it. i gotta be strong and make this as a challenge instead of weeping on it. when in doubt give that is when i know my foot are landing on a spot, at least. just think, the pleasure is all mine when i succeed going through this door. i know i would and i just take a deep breath and smile.
8/23/2005 Stranger, but i know him.
I found a new place. It’s not a country or somewhat paradise. I found a part of missing me. I’m like a maze and my part are spreads around the people i’ve never met. I’m like a picture that cannot be taken. Sometimes it goes blur sometime blank but mostly fuzzy. maybe that what is called unconsistant. I dunno, i don’t give a hell about it. I love my life. just hate it so much i love it. Seeing the world of different point of view with eyes that aren’t belong to myself. I see every blue with a little red. A yellow with black dots and a big drop of green. Paul ypu have make my puzzle almost complete but you’d never be. Bon, you are my lost track and i know my way a bit know. Ade, you are my brightside i learn that patient is a valuable things in human world. Acil you are my love life, every beat of my heart i know to whom it may devoted. Jesus, you are my whole universe, even though i’ve never met you or see you with my own eyes, i’m more than convince to know you’re here with me all the time. i dunno, it just happen. Life, you are my enemy and my friend. Somepart i hated you for doing so, but other time you just makes me so alive. I still have that tons of questions to ask to you, but i don’t know whether i care. So many teacher, so many different values to learn, millions things to see, to hear to feel. But i don’t have the time for them. Humans, you are….undiscribeable. Stupid yet so fragile. need protection beneath your pride and idiotic actions. funny and starnge. How i become one of them but i know i’m not. I’m just here, live and try to blend with you…people.
9/21/2005 Midnight Heat
see? that’s the last time i’ve had my compensate for her. that ungrateful creature. the darknener of my flesh. maybe i’m the one that is being stupid.
over and over again. satan of my pleasure the womb of my sin. i would never learn in this short page of life. or she wouldn’t. i’ve crossed the line of my enemy more than once.
failed everytime, but by the mercy of God i’ve forgot it. forgot the wound i’ve been taken all this life. that never healed, just covered by the love, happiness and what human so called hope through my journey.
i don’t understand. why human have to take all this lesson?
they know where it ends but they always tries. that one percent they’re fighting for when they know they’d fail. no, you don’t think you’re the hunter.
you are the one being hunted.
9/21/2005 Beautiful Complexity
i just got home with my work mates celebrating a friend’s small birthday celebration. i enjoy my being form as a human. so simple. yet so complicated. mind makes it so. these patterns i could predict even sometimes i forgotten that knowing that i know what i’ve knew. i had no teacher to taught me what to learn because there’s nothing new in life. a repetance of objects, feelings and games over and over again. we all knew what kind of road we’re walking, we just sometimes forget.i sent my ex-bf an sms this morning right before i was heading to work:"i feel more alive when i feel pain. a state of hurt makes me gain more power. I feel comfort living in such misery. i can’t i be normal?"what triggers me was the old pain in my back. i know that moving back in with my folks would cost me something. changes. i don’t know what makes her bitching on me this time since she got no mistakes on me. what the hell, i don’t give a shit. she always looking for trouble for no reason. but at that moment, that exact moment she was yelling, slamming stuff, shitting on me, i felt that living again. maybe it was too long for me living in such illness state, i think that’s normal. what’s normal?isn’t it supposed to compared from within ourselves? but i admit it to the world. i loves living the shadowy and dark valley.more peace, more comfortable, more alive. don;t ask me why. it was too long i’m lullabied in the so-human-world. enough. i don’t feel any challenge. i’m not human, can’t you see. i’m just a piece of mind wandering in this blank universe to observed. to love. to feel. to know.i can’t fool myself that i’m like any other people. i don’t follow their rules, i don’t drink the same cup as them, eat the same thing as they have. i’m still looking when i found the finish line, that’s what i am. but no one would know or understand or care about that eh? they just cannot see the same thing as i’m seeing. that’s why i’m not looking a relationship, i try not to have any strings attached with anyone. i don;t want to hurt them with my honesty, with the way im thinking. mind is a powerful weapon you know. in a form of words, they attack us like knifes in our stomach. ripping every sanity to the ground of logic. painful. but i’m used to that. i’m just worthless for others, but precious for me and God. my hands is shaking as i type this blog. i want to release something but i couldn’t. i want to bring us together to the awakaning state. but that’s a damn hard thing to do. understand of something that haven’t been open yet. simple when you see the complicity. beautiful yet not tamed…
9/24/2005 Human Soid
in this beautiful night. i sat in front of the monitor, listening to india arie. just got home from my ex-bf house. work is like hell, i love it. it’s alike the distributor knows that my day off is tomorrow, they are gon’ and after me like nuts. haha.while my ex-gf messaged me hours before, she was going to the mall with her mom and saw the fan that i wanted and report it to me. not so important, but i appreciated it. i like the way things going right now. beben asking me a steady relationship, i said no. i’m not the kinda person with string attached would makes me so uncomfortable. not that i’m running away or scared or something like that, just not the time for me now. i like the realtionship i’m having with all my babies rite now. having sometheing in a middle of nothing. nice.hmpfh…ialready ate texas fried chicken tonite, makes me a bit sick yesterday but i eat it anyway. maybe it’s the virus that’s so popular these days in jakarta, wahatever. i don;t care, when you cook it right,..well…Lord knows. i dont feel like having another grub now.i’m feeling slepy, i’m feeling steady, calm and full of energy. i’m happy because i just met him. from decades we didn’t met. nothing changes.well, tomorrow is my day off. hope i could get rid of those follow-ups even for a day from my head..hehe. Nite. thank you Lord for this lovely life. which i’m enjoying at the moment but on the other hand i’m feeling cheap and useless, but thank you anyway…
Recent Comments