MOUTH. the start where the whole world was created, the beginning of life itself, where its gonna end. words are its engine with brain as its power. its greater than any weapon man ever built, no shit. i mean, i experience the energy of words being spoken by our mouth are hell of something! ya know when we used to watch movies, read something that says: be carefull of what u wish for..". it really means like what it means. somedays ago, i said to one of the distributor by the phone (she insists to have my mobile number but the company doesn’t allowed so) and i said: "sorry ma’am, my mobile is being repaired and i got no other mobile phones". and it did. my pda just went blank in one lovely saturday, it works, but with no display. i said to myself: shit. and when i said to my lecturer that i can’t see her in an apointment, i say i was sick. and here i am, i’m heating up, my nose began to melt inside and i felt sick. damn again. and years back, i was wishing for all the material things i possesed now. God granted my wish since i wished on Him, and my days are just lovely. my point is, every power that sorrounds us hear everything of what we said. if we saying something negative, bad energies began to kick in. and the same with good energy is rushing in when we spoken something good. but the difference are bad things always comes in a flash, while good wishing needs a little patience to come. now, i try not to swear too much, calling names upon my buddies, and try to lie with a little logic but nearer to truth (i’m lying if i said i’m gonna be honest 100%). this kinda thing not too freaky for me, but some kinda joke cosmic playing on me. first i gotta pay my karma, now this shit, oops i mean lesson. hehe. i think my life needs a little twist so i could wake up a bit. on the way home from a very exhausting work, i listen to my jamie cullum - next year, baby. it says things that sounds wonderful for me to do next year. and i;m telling my friend that this song is going to be my resolution next year. it says: "…things are gonna change. gonna drink less beer, start all over again. gonna read more books, gonna keep up with the news, gonna learn how to cook, SPEND LESS MONEY ON SHOES, i’ll pay my bills on time, only drink the finest wine, call my grand every sunday. resolutions, they come and go…."
Archive for November, 2005
Tounge And Its Believer
Cortex In Sanctuary
In this peaceful nite i sat in front of my pc and think. think of how my life has change and emerged into something better. its developing within years i didn’t realize. many pains, sorrow, tears that actually brought me in this state of happiness in the end. eventually. many feelings that i have thought it was love but it wasn’t, hates turn into friendship, friends turns into your inside killer. God knows my so well, He creates me like a maze. He take a piece of me, throw a piece of me so that i know what i’m looking for and put me back together. somethings don’t change as i watch carefully, it just turn into something worst than ever and some just stuck in the same old road. i cried for things that now as i realize it was stupid to cry for. i know what it means by: thing that can’t kill you makes us stronger. my old friend, my panasonic filled my empty room with music by Jamie Cullum’s. i’m hungry actually, after a long day in work. i work endlessly today, like more than i ever did.i didn’t take my lunch. i love my fucking job, full of complaints and compliments. i observe human as i try to fit into them. how people treat people in their working inhabtant. how clever they hide their knifes and kept their smile. but when they get together as one big bunch, they called themselves: family. wierd. my mind sometimes slipped into sweet memories of him, infact i just send him a blank message to his mobile. i dunno. guess i missed him. but that’s it, i mean no more feelings or pitty-me-coz-i-love-him thoughts. just my mind playing tricks on me and try to seduce me. but i didn’t fall. just take a glance of his pictures and move on. it’s funny how we all used to stand in a game board of our own imagination. we know we have the power to over-controlled it but we are willingly to let ourselves to get carried away in it. still can’t solve it in years of my life. and i don’t want to make it "mysteries of life" as what people like to say, it’s bullshit. we know the answer, we just need something to remind us back to it. anyway, my work colegue’s grandpa has passed away this morning. and when i walk home, i think to myself. i never cry for a funeral or death in my family or close relatives. but i cry so damn bad when my cat died (blackblack, miss u pal) and when i hurt lisa (my best damn girl), but apart from it ijust stay motionless, 
or feelingless, exactly. i mean, death is nothing. why should we cry for it? or feeling sad? what makes us feel bad about them is just memories that those who passed away left in us. c’mon, we’ll see them soon. infact they are still alive, in our thoughts. the only difference is our flesh needed touch and caress for its real transform from what minds think. oh well, who gives a damn about "deadly" conversation anyway (except myself) haha. i’m badly hungry and what’s left for dinner is just one fricking small chicken and a whole lotta rice. i guess choices aren’t made to be choosed eh?
Healing
I woke up quite early this morning, can’t sleep. I dunno whats bug me last nite. But for sure, i’ve made my choice. I gave up in this lane of relationship. can’t stand it no more, can’t understand it, felt cheap for it. I release all these disappointment. From my mental physical spiritual and emotional body. Cause I know that spirit guides me. And love lives inside me. That’s why I today I take life as it comes. I have everything i need rite here with me. My health, my mind that i could overdrive and nobody else could control and especially i’m sorrounded by my beloving friends. i’m moving on just like every other living mind. 
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living, the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
Sunday My Day
Although i’ve been hurt so many times, i never learn my lesson. some people call this stupid, some say i’m dangerously in love. i’m fragile yet still strong. for this one, i’ll do anything in my limitations. i don’t love like i used to, but smarter. i don’t care wheter the he don’t give a shit, i’ll still keep pouring my affection. 
just like the sun, it doesn’t give a dman if human doesn’t like its heat, it still coming baby, yea! speaking of heat, i’m melting these days. in my first step outside, my head began liquiding. but it’s raining today, thanks God. i’m ready to go to church with ucha, since lisa already attend sunday mass this morning. after that, i’ll met riau for doing some project together at home. i’m at trouble actually, my pc @ home is gotten virus attack. i dunno where the fuck is coming from. but i can’t open registry and it just began to restarting it self. gosh, as if that thing is alive or something…euff. it was very exhausting today since today is labor day for me. yeap, i’m house cleaning my room. every inch of it is squicky clean, but still, don’t try to stick ur tounge onto it. i just need some new atmosphere coz i’ve been losing sleep lately, dunno why. probably becoz of the intense heat at nite, or my head is stuffed with this human thing called love. so not important eh? anyway, gotta get ready and clean myself. Thank u Lord for this blissfull sunday…i don’t realize how beautiful Your day is since i’m busy with myself…Amen.
Both Ways
BOTH WAYS
I’m not moving from the point life put me on
But I know I’m still alive on it
When life takes me away I never know
Will you show me the answer?
The reason why I feel this shaking all over my body
Trembling in power and braveness to face future
Writing in my hand my fate I never taste
Lines thru lines in passionless eye
Guide me in the memory of your love
Not ever knowing my path in the light or dark
I just flow in my river of belief
Everyone can make it full of rage of peace in heart
Somehow I’m getting closer to be separate from it
Lights that never glow
Sound that never speak
Point of glory is deep in my heart
But still no one ever know
Which one is the end or the new beginning
Haunted Wanted
I turn from sunshine to winter cold. A sudden change stroke me like a thunderstorm in a daylight. I know now, love is more tha empty and hollow, its a form of energy that nobody could control. A piece of being closer than God, bigger than Satan.A game of our own mind. I shouldn’t let go of my what i believe back then when i see myself now.
they follow me to my bed
they follow me to my sleep
they follow me to my grave
and if you let me die in peace
i will never haunt you again
my shadow will
and if i let you die in peace
let you die in your sleep
my shadows loved me
just like i love, i love…loved myself
but i dont love my shadow
the way, they love me
let me die in peace…peace
i’m asking myself what do i want. commitment isn’t solving things out. it’s basicly from the inner of ourselves and you know where you would ended. yeah, i always know this would end somehow somewhere sometime and i know my risks. i used to pain and emotion torture, and at that moment i make a decision to let it all go and start to walk in the path of "righteousness". I prefer my valley of shadow now, it’s calm and changes are rarely there. i’m losing everything in his world, i sought i could organize freedom how human-oid i am. the rationality of my thought is being torn out and i walk naked without my armor, my sense of defense. i go back to my hidden place: sempire d’amor terra, solite in amo retira..
Crucifiction Of Myself
I’m back to myself. He misses him. The old reflection of a brilliant mind yet so dark and cold in a solid form being craved with all the inhabitant. Something has changed but what i hoped it doesn’t change me much. I’m not too friendly with changes. Just a simple path of time inside of my complicated mind whom no one would know. With this relationship i’m not good at and emotions i still learn to cope with. But i learn a lot. I have to be careful with what i had wish for.
Back then, i don’t give a damn about commitment, i’m not the need-string-attached kinda guy, they cheating on me or not, that kinda stuff. But when i got’em, i don’t feel so glad afterall. He’s playing my part now. Ha ha…a bitter laughter. Last nite i made myself clear. I don’t have to follow someone who’s doesn’t show me respect. Not that i’m looking for values or anything, i don’t give a shit ’bout that stuff. I love my friends, not much different from the way i love him. Things gotta be a bit slow now, i’m off from the fast lane. Love him and that’s it. I don’t want to make myself more tangled in a situation like before.
This human life is getting weirder everytime. I’m playing my own game and i’m going too deep in this rabbit hole now. Can’t find the light that was shining upon my gray area. The light i’m seeing now is too bright for me, can’t see much. The last time i’m giving myself to it i’m losing control of myself and i don’t like it. those night i used to stare at myself and ask has gone. I’m sorry, i don’t know you much these times. I promise to you i would pay back the time that we lost …and drink back the energy that we had lost.
Morphing Thru Karma
I learn something more this time. A new, exicting and a bit painful though. Beautiful pain. My relationship this time is not a new chapter. I’m facing my karma this time. My last one ends good but with a bad story. I’m taking that last one for granted. And now that big rock is rolling back to me. I realize what i’m going through. We haven’t met for sometime and we still having this communication everyday, either by mobile messaging or phone talk. But when i saw him yesterday i not too excited, i dunno why…just a glinch of feeling i guess.
Many friends told me that i’m changed since then. Well, actually i did try. I wanna get rid of that cold, dark and cynical side of mine. Just for a glaze of love. Sucks i know. But can’t help it. I’m starting giving everything and anything. That’s not a good sign for someone to fall in love. So, from now on i’m going back to the old me. With a slight change. Not too excited in this relationship until he makes a move. And with time flow, i know when we’re ready…when i’m ready.
Maybe I’m….
I’m so fragile right now. Well maybe i was and always, just the time make this feeling so strong. I’m desperate of someone and God sent me one. He makes my holes turn into a door. This icey silences are so easy to my me bleed of screams. Punched right through the walls that i built these years, just in a single touch it breaks down. I’m laughing to myself that i was being so stupid. Maybe i’m human afterall…
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