Bra1n-w@shed

I don’t know what you’re looking for
you haven’t found it baby, that’s for sure
You rip me up and spread me all around
in the dust of the deed of time

And I’m losing my favourite game
you’re losing your mind again
I’m losing my favourite game
I’ve tried but you’re still the same
I’m losing my baby
you’re losing a saviour and a saint

-the cardigands-

christmas again. alone. again. i’m hearing Have Yourself A Little Mery

Christmas by Luther Vandross. My heart filled with cloudy sky and blue

sunshine. i know i shouldn’t since i have a lot of friends to accompany

me through this year end. But something was missing. No, two exactly.

My parents and a lover. This year was surely a momentum for myself to

grow and develop my inner eyes. Many of my closest friends keep saying:

"what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger." But at least they did hurt

us, right? At these times of year, where families gather around in love

and harmonies. I hug myself in no memories of my childhood. I miss my

mom and dad. That was my very wish every single christmas. And when

finally my heart was open to some warmth a single drop of love. It just

vanished right infront of me. Its hurt i’m telling ya. Really hurt. I

know my friends love me so much as i did to them. But there’s still

something you personally claimed. A thing as your own. A family. A

companionship of someone love you just for you and no one else. Maybe

they would not understand. No matter how many tears i drop wouldn’t

bring back my dear folks and that love back to me. But i thank you Lord

for everything i have for myself. I would die in the arms of my

friends. So many love i felt and received. I know my life is not

nothing. Maybe a little loneliness sometimes kicks in. Merry

Christmas….to me.

i’m feeling much much better now. even though temptations still going strong, i know i’m standing my ground. difficulties burden in ourlives becomes such a sweet pain for the future. we never know what will strike us in the next few seconds or few years ahead. but something deep inside gives us that energy to push us a little further toward that level of freedom. burns inside a flame that ain’t tormentful but built people like us understand the meaning within. i’ve release that disapointment, all from my mental, spiritual and emitional body. and now i’m free. and i’ve taste a little bit of human life and i know. i know that you human could never control what you created in the first place. you make, you develop and you suffer of losing your creation and die because of the very same thing kills you. everything that’s created beautiful turns into rejection and failure. but strange that you still wanna give it a shot one more time and repeat it all over again. what for? to feel that sweet agony and live in redemption? it ain’t for free you know.. hmmph. maybe this rat race would never stop for whatsoever. dangerous yet addictive. and the lesson for me as i stood in the first place i’m running from, the greatest value in living this cloudy life is goodness. no matter which side we’re in, damned or angelic still has a good inside. what makes it different is just the eye from whom it looking. you can’t blame a murderer if he’s killing for his own pleasure, or a priest to help a suicider. they are both right because they know it’s right inside. but paradox that makes this community mazed. simple rules became the world’s first issue. why? are you a God? body, mind and soul could trapped. in a child’s mind, they have to feel it before they could do it.