Bra1n-w@shed

see my days are cold without you
but i’m hurtin’ while i’m with you
and though my heart can’t take no more
i can’t keep runnin’ back to you
see my days are cold without you
but i’m hurtin’ while i’m with you
and though my heart can’t take no more
i won’t keep runnin’ back to you…
I’ve been singing that song for days after the brain failure i had

couple months ago. actually i’m starring at his picture along with the

lyric i’m singing out loud for the ol’ time sake, remembering how i

was destruted and defeated by my own feelings. but that was then, now?

my butt is heating up and off it go leaving you another dust to bite!

haha.
anyway, another lovely sunday, well it’s been lovely days i’ve been

through lately. maybe becoz i’ve been working out again, or my bank

account is ching kaching again, i dunno. but what i know my brain

veins is a freeway and my mood on the toppest. thank you Lord. today i

attend the morning sunday mass alone becoz i have this Jessup law

competition at Santika hotel at 11. the competition was a fed up, but

since J is the committee, i had to attend it. but on the other hand,

i’d like to know what is this stuff all about. the snack was

something, but the rewards was another thing. listen, they give away

tickets to big ol’ DC for the winner, damnit! i went there with riau,

and as we always did, we laugh out the people there. from their outfit

to their way of intellegence (since we don’t give a shit to one) and

we just walk out of there after we had ourselves some good time. and

we go to blok m for a movie and lunch. we bought tickets for Saw II. i

did watched it with J, but don’t really pay attention to it since

we’re busy with ourselves. hehe. it was cool, even though for the

second time. and we hit the book store, well me actually. i need a

manual for excell and a kinda pump-up-religious book stuff. sintya

ain’t gonna be easy on me on those reports i’m tellin’ ya. i gotta

grind down the ol’ noggin if i don’t wanna screwed up those office

work. anyway, it was quite exhausting when i got home at 7pm. J

message me and asked me if we could meet up now anywhere near santika,

i said i couldn’t. my batt is low, need some rest for morning gym and

work. so, here i am after dinner, i took another snack along with the

simpsons season 4 i bought a week ago. i hate tomorrow, since the day

after that is national holiday. a hamburger’s day holiday i called it.

what da fuck lah…at least they pay me for that.
and for you, "you-know-who" eat this:
But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so movin’ on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone!

I’m just healing from my physically ill body. maybe it’s the weather, maybe i’m just not strong enuff to resist the changeable mother nature. in anyway, last friday was hell for me in an implicit way. i was heating up and still couldn’t leave my job. my bosses leaving for bussiness trip until monday and my friend is having her day off, so who will take care of the little things in office while their gone (this sentence is not mentioned to tease or offend anyone in my work  place if you are one). but dear Lord is kind enough, He gave me a day off trough my employer in my weekend since we don’t have any program during that day. so after i finished my day at work, friday night my body is swelling in heat, all of my body part is trembling and shaking out of control like my head in gonna explode. so i took a nice hot cup of tea after i got home, drink a pill with it (thank God we found a cure for cold) and i hide myself in my warm blue blanket. my phone ring, it was matt. he ask how i was doing (he called me this morning, i told i was not feeling too good) and he insist to come over and give me his medicine magic, and i said no. i don’t really like drugs for every desease i get, and i prefer to be alone through my night of agony. the next morning my temprature is cooling a bit but my head is like tortured with hammer of zeus. at least i could get up and do something, i don’t like thinking myself has gotten ill. J is messaging me to see how am i going with my sickness, and he just a bit busy with his Jessup Law Competition in the upcoming week. and there i was having this thought how interesting my life is. especially this year. after what i’ve been through with that person "you-know-who" it’s like my life twirlling in such a way i couldn’t predict no more. well, i used to think i know where i was heading and up to, or at least i could control my life in a part. but now, life is just jack in a box. i dunno what’s gonna pop up in the next minute. still there is somethings i know and it won’t change. all the love around and everywhere that keeps coming in my direction. everybody cares in ways i couldn’t imagine. and my love for J is something i couldn’t push or carved in one way. let it flow from me and let it freely shaped itself. just like the old recipe for relationship, just a pinch of love, a grain of affection and a sprinkle of care. if you put something way too over, it doesn’t taste so good anymore. i learn that from an old friend in the mirror…hehe. for myself, i just learning to trust again. maybe i’m too afraid of the trauma i had. i know i’m paranoid for us sometimes. i don’t wanna mess up this time. and i really really care, i really really want it and i think i’m kinda scared, coz i don’t wanna loose it this time. i hope we understand, it’s nothing personal. Just make sure i don’t tell on you especially to members of your family. We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you’re such a pretty thing when you’re done up properly. infact i just made a CD compilation when i had this thought. here’s the list review:
1.Ten 2 Five - I Will Fly
2.Alanis Morissette - Perfect (Accoustic Album)
3.Mariah Carey - My All
4.Keith Martin - Because Of You (Piano Version)
5.Sheryl Crow - Always On Your Side
6.Des’ree - Kissing You
7.Andien - Ku Kan Menanti
8.Ciara - And I
9.Madredeus - Haja O Que Houver
10.Maliq & D’essential - Untitled
11.Jamie Cullum - Blame It On My Youth
12.India Arie - Ready For Love
13.John Legend - Stay With You
14.Tika - Saddest Farewell
15.Renee Oldstead - Love That Last
16.Tweet - Complain
17.Babyface - The Loneliness
18.Norah Jones - The Nearness Of You
19.Joss Stone - Spoiled
20.Renholder - Now I Know (Underworld Ost.)
Well, listening to those will make u in a deep sleep but i enjoy it. feels good. well, now is almost 6pm and i better clean up myself and ready for church. but it’s raining again. i don’t like the rain, i only like it when it’s dark and stormy but no water coming down. well, since i’m no God i couldn’t push the button for rain could i? hehe. Il pleut et j’ai le nez bouché.  Je neme sens pas trés bien…

Today is the most extraordinary day for me. In scale 1 to 10 today is 12. Why? I can’t. If i’m telling you about this, you’d be dead. Ha ha, kidding. I started my day as an ordinary sunday. Sunshine ain’t so bright, i think its gonna rain sometime in afternoon. So i just woke up at 11 after last nite hang out was a quite disapointed. Deasy me and Gland went to a right place in a terribly wrong time. It was R&B nite in retro that were ussualy puts some progre. Anyway, i walk into the living room which i found no one except my house keeper. I think everyone went to church. And i decided to clean up my room which look a lot like a disaster than a resting place. I took a broom and mop as my ammo. It was then 3pm when mr.barcode message me and as me out. I said, ok but after i pay a visit to my aunt at the hospital and go to church. It was raining, but sweet sweet Lord stop it at the right time. I go to RSCM by 4pm and i saw two of my aunt is waiting by  their lil sista. she’s sufferring from fatal diabetes that eaten out her left foot. She couldn’t talk and walk, infact she’s unconcius when i visit her. Nothing i could do about it, let the drugs do their work with God’s might. And i went to church alone, ACIL is busy with themselves today i guess. Lisa’s mother are sick also, at Kemayoran Mitra Hospital. My plan was after 6.30 we met at Setiabudi Building to watch Saw II that started at 7.30pm. But he said he will be late, and i was upset. So, there i am sitting by myself in Menteng. I wish i could eat with him but what the hell. I’ll eat later. Thank gawd i had my loyal Mp3 player in my pocket that keeps me alive with some music from Marilyn Manson. Just chill. And i got at setiabudi by 7:15 and he’s still not there. So i walk to the nearest music store (as ussually i do everywhere) and i found VCD 2 in 1 dark water. quite cheap, since the package is 2 movies in one (Japan version and the bloddy hollywood one). Dark water Japan version is quite rare to found, so i bought it. And also Beth, for a price of 9,000. Anyway, ehen he arrived the movie already started 15 minutes, what d hell, we go in. It was just as i expected, smart movie. Just like the first SAW, nobody could guess what the actuall answer are. Excellent!!!
After that terrific movie, we go eat at the nearest road side noodle food stal.  Wow, if this thing continues, he could save my wallet..hehe. Remember resolution 2006? So, we talked about everything. From our families until boundaries we will had and what we are. i know he’s the one. my barcode is telling me i was right. he don’t talk bullshit and smart. straight to the point but at the same time romantic. why do i say that? coz when we going home and crossing the street at the top of public bridge…..ding!
i’d never forget it, like hell yeah, nobody ever done it to me before, not even that scumbag-cheater-backstabber-son of a…..ggrrrhhhh!!!
But the sad thing is, i can’t scream it out to the whole world about this. I just gotta keep it low and be happy about it. Well, this year i know i’m facing something new in a term relationship. don’t fuss about it, just relax and let the current take ur boat to someplace exiciting and new. everything happen for a reason. another piece of my puzzle is added to my life. a blessing.
tonight i sat infront of my computer and thanking Lord for what i’ve been through. but i won’t let my awareness set i a low level. <<dontcha worry roni, i won’t let it happen again. control is still needed. i know where is my line>>

This is the most boring day of my life. I’m at the office and no phone calls, no orders, no case. Not that i’m hoping for them, but at least gimme one thing to do. So here i am at another new year, new resolutions and new chapter for moi. I don’t recall things too many for this couple of days in 2006. But what i know is the person is outta the window. bye bye and all for u sucker. You would regret that u take me for granted. I got someone new, well many actually. But i’ve learn my lesson that commitment isn’t a good way. I dunno, maybe i was scared and still am but the answer is here, just can’t splurt it out. I love getting to know each new person and their personalities. Enriches me in somewhat way that only myself that knows. I don’t want to be that same stupid person who keeps asking question but never seek answer. i feel so much affection from that person that doesn’t want to be known to the world. funny. we already talked so much and knows what each others want. we’re just a pair of human that are looking for something that supposed not to be there but worthed enough to fight for. sounds selfsish, yes it is. i have so many that i take for granted. like myself for instead. i should live my life to the fullest. and i will now. i have made my resolutions and i will try to keep track on it. another person i met is someone smart and love law so much. good on ya then, good luck. i don’t trust the system here. anyway, another two is just an the same old people i’ve known. they’re quite nice to me. that’s why i don’t wanna fucked up with the same stupid words again. i just leave it be. becoz i was right last year. don’t pushed things to place you can’t even go through or see. feelings aren’t something you can play around with. i have discussed this matter over and over again. kinda bored with it.

The sky are gray out the window. i’m listening to Norah Jones - Long Day Is Over, what a paradise… after that hellavah party on the new year, my eating order has increased. i felt like my belly’s gonna burst but just can’t stop eating. i already lost 4 pounds last month and i think i gain another 2 last week. what a waste of time eh? haha. this year i won’t keep myself to some stupid rules that can stop me to be gratefull to what has the Lord gave me. Sweetest honey to the brightest flower the largest plant. Into the smallest atom, snow flakes in the bird kingdom. Smaller than the eye can see, bigger than the mind can concieve. There’s earth air water and fire. So many different flowers, sunshine and rainshower, so many different crystals and hills and volcanos. We’re made of the same stuff as the moon and stars. The ocean’s salt water just like my tears are. You feel me the sun rises and sets everyday without fail. representing His glory, hope He’s proud of me!

Love is just one thing that keep me mazed. i can’t figured that one thing out until now. why does human has to feel that? why does we have to fall? why some people don’t want to experience it? why does it taste so good sometimes it hurts? Why it has to exist? So i just let it in my heart with letting ti touches anything and start making damages like it did before. It came as nothing and leave me nothing as the essence from the first place it came. I’m trying to focus to some more things that i don’t appreciate before. those little thing that being left out whan i’m busy with myself. i’m starting to live my life as it’s golden!