Bra1n-w@shed

crash. a movie that is not only a title winning of this postmo lifeways of human nowadays, its more than that. for me it was really an eye opener. how people not realize that they miss something througout their life. yeah, we all losing our touch of each other. i’m listening to kings of convenience CD i just bought on monday. a perfect match of my delivering thoughts tonight. me, you and the rest of the urban life people are imprisoned by our own technology, wall of glass and indiviualism in a very manner way. we know life but we ain’t living.

that movie shows us a full frontal difference of many race in the world. wrapped in a hollywood way but when you see it, you know it’s what happening in today’s world. just because people are different from you, we started to treat them differently, or worst. until a sudden unpredictable meoment that pushes the "human" inside and makes us want to change all of that. but we couldn’t make our choices in a normal day of living between our day tasks, due dates, socialite society or just enjoying ur moment. it always needed a slap in our face to realize that they deserve an equal life too. many issues regarding what i’m yapping about. skin colors, religion, race, idiealism, sex orientation and much more. infact i just experience one just yesterday.

i was in the bus and ready to exit. while i was hanging on the door, a guy smiled at me, well it was more like a flirt. so, i get down and headed to a nearest ATM and i must walk pass this stranger. he smile intentionaly to me and i smiled back, he was just kinda cute. and after i finish from that ATM i made a choice. i walk towards this stranger, ask his name and his phone number. he was shocked (offcourse, who would do this kinda of thing everyday in a big city?) but in a stutter way of talking, he gave me his name Denniz, and also his phone number. i was so ashamed and panic, i started to talk in english. i said, "If you don’t wanna do this, it’s ok." so, i take his number into my cellphone. i thank him and walk to my office.

it was the strangest 5 minutes of my life. i mean, how could i ever do that kinda thing at 9 am in the morning!!! maybe my desperation of seeking for a partner pushed me to a limit where i don’t wanna be there. but what the fuck, it was fun. and then i send him an sms for apologizing and also thanking him and such. the reply was as i expected, wrong number. it says i’ve sent to a wrong number and there is no person named Denniz.

oh well, what was i thinking anyway, i thought i was still living in NYC. i really don’t belong in this city, this country. i was a bit mad and ashamed, but the i started to think. i already giving that man a choice, when i ask for his name. he could just say no and that’s it. but sometimes, we don’t do that becoz we think they are different and not "us" and need to be played around. when we say no, that means we still respect that person by knowing they’re there!! know wutta mean y’all??!!!! so many reasoning we used to just pretend we don’t know what’s going on nowadays… well, it was a lesson for me but hell no, i will never give up….! You heard that rite you all out there mutha****, son of a ****!!!

i was looking at the pictures in my pc at home. the picture of our success seminar. that was one moment that i couldn’t ever forget. there was susan, my boss and also my friend; pak kany, psycho yet brilliant, and not mentioned of how many great friends i had in just a couple of months. i almost weep. it was a moment of joy. seeing how many happy faces we made that night.

i just got home from office. well, not exactly since after my work is done i went to an internet station. looking for something, no i was running from something. a world where my boredom is no longer a problem. a simple way in a modern days of getting away from an obstacles throughout our life. i met lisa, ucha and vicka. love ‘em so damn much. we chat about all the shit in the world. and in my journey of finding someone *i wish* in that sodom & gomorah chat room. i met few people. i don’t trust them, infact i can’t believe myself doing the stuff i haven’t did in a long long time. there was one particular person. he lived in Jogja. at first it was dirty, but suddenly he was the one giving me such a marvelous words. my spirit burst, slap me back into reality. he told me so many things as if my eyes were closed shut. i told him why the goodness of someone were always being used and we always get bad things from it. if i loved a person, i give everything as if i’m stupid bitch.

he said, just a glass water, filled it up in the right ammount. never too much, it’ll messed up the floor and it doesn’t looks good. i said, damn you’re right. small things i almost forgot. he told me that the right person comes in the right time, and i would never regret that moment. what a sunshine! we chat until almost 2 hours. i go home and think on the way. maybe i need something to change my stupid life. everything is just like hell to me. maybe i couldn’t talk to someone so intimate like i used to. makes me go nuts. maybe i need a pet. at least they hear ya. or maybe i should redecorate my room again. i dunno. but  i couldn’t get the time to do all of those stuff. but that’s the problem. i should left myself sometime. a time that is mine and know that to change everything need to start from the man in the mirror.

*dedicated to you-know-who living in Jogja

Why no one will help me
I am too dumb I am too smart
They’ll not understand me
I am lonely
They’ll hate me
And there is not enough time
It’s too hard to help me
And god wants me to work
No resting no lazy

These excuses how they served me so well
They’ve kept me safe
They’ve kept me stuck
They’ve kept me locked in my own cell

I’m too far from home
It takes far too much energy
And I cannot afford to
No one will ever see me 

These excuses how they’re so familiar
They’ve kept me blocked
They’ve kept me small
They’ve kept me safe in my own shell

Bringing this into the light
Shakes their foundation
And it clears my side
Now my imagination
Is the only thing that limits
The bar that is raised to the heights

No one can have it all see
I have to they want me to
And I can’t let them down
I’ll never be happy

*alanis

sunday morning, i’m ready to go swimming with my friend after the aggreement we had last nite. at 6 i’d go to her house, i try to call but nobody picking up. 10 times, no, maybe 20 times and still the same. i was angry and disapointed. this is the second time she didn’t commit with her promises.
sunday morning, there’s a blood fight in my house. between my mom and my aunt. my aunt was angry with the stupid maid in our house and try to slap her, but my mom thinking she’s smart, trying to get involved and start to attacking my aunt with a bowl. she bled. that was after i got home from morning gym. actually before i left i heard screaming, but i thought it was the ussual morning screaming they always had downstairs, so i turned up my static-x song volume. and when i got back, my aunt telling me all this with the wound on her head. she said my mom go to the police and make a statement (about what?? she’s the guilty one) anyway, this s the risk i have to take after i decided to move back in this fucking house. that woman acting like she’s my mother but she is really not. and those people acting like their family of mine, well, they’re not. i like my being left alone with no mom and dad, siblings or family left. but as i walked in this door i knew i would meet the screaming, yelling, so much anger statement out of nothing, but now violence was added. i was the one who suffers all of the anger from my mom, even i did nothing. i was so much hurted emotionally and mentally. so much in all these years, i actually liked it. my state of being sarcastic, cold and enjoy pain is what i am after she doing that stuff. i never talked to her in all these years. i did try for God sake, i did. but nothing good comes out of it. i was more hurted instead, with all the damned and dirty words she yelled at me. communication is something that is not in our lives, for her, it’s bullshit. all she cares about is money. she didn’t like my friends, all of my friends, even though they’re trying to be nice. but when my friend comes with a car, suddenly she is a sunshine. back when i was not working, she always threatened me with cutting off my college fund. she controlled me financially. it was like shit ya know. so i pray every night and day for a job. and i got one. after that i moved out, staying away from her.

i don’t like coming back home even for once a week. if it wasn’t becoz of my aunt which is a bit nice to me, i wouldn’t come home. even when i’m home, i’m not intended in seeing her. we always ended in a fight everytime i started talking with her about everything. that’s why at home, i better be in my room, locking it tight and drown in my painfull world of loneliness.
the fight between my mom and my aunt isn’t the first time. my mom fight with all our neighbours, even her best neighbour around. with everybody she met. with all her sisters too and the rest of our family. using viloent tools from the nearest place she could reach. i’m not making this up or exaggerate this. maybe you wouldn’t believe a mother, the most gentle one of human species could do such a thing. but trust me, when you don’t get married and don’t do sex (masturbation included) in your lifetime, you’d be in this state. i was always thankful she is not my mother. i’m ashamed having such a violent women as my guidance. when i was a school kid, not even once she go and get my annual report, or going to my school and meet my teacher. she doesn’t now what class i’m in, what school project i have attend. she doesn’t know even one of my friend’s name, she misses all the tennis, badminton, swimming, basketball, singing contest i’ve won. nor when i join the group of model high school students recruited to raise. national flag on Independence Day. or when i sent to english contest in depok. SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MY LIFE. my aunts always getting my school report, and my friends atend all those contest i’ve join. there was nights i cried bout how miserable my feelings are. the cause is about her. how i miss my mom and dad, even though they’re dead, i just want to be with them. if it weren’t for Lisa, i would’ve killed myself long ago. she made me promise that for her. i don’t blame myself for being what i am now. i now i’m different from other people. i don’t fit in to the light somehow. i don’t believe in such a perfect world, coz i ain’t lived in one. everytime i’m in ager, instead trying to hurt other people, i like to hurt myself. i don’t want people to suffer the cruel, cold world. so i try to give them my smiles and being cheerful for the sake of loving all my friends. but one thing i know, one day when i grow up i would be totally different from the rest of the world. and i would do such a thing to my family when i have one. for i know i was grown from a bad tree. my tears have dried out, my anger is has gone, all i could do is putting them in words. let the world knows and paint it more darker than before…

How is it like for being left alone?

How is it like nobody help you when the pain ripping you to the bone?

How is it like standing there with no support?

How is it like being accused and no witnesses want to help you in my court?

How is it like in the middle of strange city no one you can say hello?

How is it like having a nightmare and no other person to hug instead your pillow?

How is it like not being light-handed when you have to carry tons of sack?

How is it like ready to fall but no one behind your back?

How is it like feel so great and no ear ever listening?

How is it like when you finally found the formula and something come interfere?

How is it like being fooled around when actually there’s someone who could help you?

How is it like to find the place where you belong but the ground rejects you?

How is it like being reborn but in the factual way you are ugly?

How is it like just stood here with your ripped toy and other kid hug teddy cuddly?

How is it like being forsaken by nature while that the only thing you can do?

How is it like in a full year no one threw the question: “How are you?’

How is it like being unloved by your parents while you the only child?

How is it like talking so long when you knew it’s the wrong number you dialed?

How is it like being asked an endless times when the answer is always the same?

How is it like being burnt in a revenge forever flame?

How is it like lying to yourself when the truth is the only key?

How is it like being the spectator when death is the only thing you see?

How is it like having your throat sliced just in time you could sing?

How is it like being not granted to fly when you have your golden wings?

How is it like cannot enter my heart when the key was held by the one you abandoned?

How is it like living on a high environment when your lives in descended?

I know you know because you don’t let go