these three days have been the greatest days of my work life. i couldn’t say the greatest in my life, coz i’ve had been in much more better days that i have now. anyway,brilliant friday, lazy saturday and finest sunday. happy easter y’all…! particulary i did nothing in my holidays. i had much and better sleep times, calling my ex girlfriend, watching all the dvd i bought and never been touched, going to engagement of my friend, go to church. botaq is sleeping over from friday night through saturday. we never seen each other for almost a year or so. well, actually i was suppossed to do my final paper to finish off my study, but it’s more like 30% of it..hehehe. i’m just enjoying much of my time with myself. a thing i haven’t done in ages. i met people of my past, which reminds me the good old days. some of them had children already, some didn’t finish college, some grief with lost of their loved ones. many things had happen in our lives. i didn’t thought of much of it. just a memory passes by that brought fuzzy feeling inside of me. i think of myself with no one beside me. i had enough of pittying myself for being single, i’m sick of it. i should thanking the sweet Christ for giving me such lovely friends throughout my life. when i was supposed to be free, i’m imprisoned myself with unimportant thoughts of every cruddy things. hmmph…maybe i was meant to be single. i should stop looking for the one, that once i called my saviour, someone i could shared what i have in mind, giving that person all of my feelings and joy. my karma isn’t over yet. for those reading this i’m not grieving myself now, i’m just being wise for crying out loud. i’m doing that moment where people said take a good look in the mirror-thing.
my tooth still sore, it was treated, but i should comeback next week for another appointment with the dentist. and talking about changes, my phobia of dentist is finally over thanks to this nice dentist. my friend introduced me to her, so kind and funny too. well, gotta start a new day tomorrow, i’m really trying hard to finish my study. but success seminar is coming up this weekend, i just gotta squish a bit of time in there, for the sake of my college. ciao!!
Archive for April, 2006
Inner Battle
i believe in my superior age i should be feeling freedom. a moment where i could lurk beneath the crushed lifestyle of the city. but instead i found myself in a dump of my own drama. i just can’t believe i’m a part of it now. sometimes demolition of suffer is something need more than just a struggle. i wake up, go to work, hanging out and go to bed. life is just a piece of uncarved rock for me. i’m waiting for a time where i’m enjoying my youth. spending more time with myself in that golden days. i’m confronting the dependency inside of me. an illusive need of attention and being in control. it’s eating me inside out. too many words and so little action in the complementary of my inner satisfaction. struggle with the same time enjoying the pain i’m in is something so sick to be in. the joy of sorrow is in a different level now, a place to strange to talk or live about. always asking the same question of love as if something i couldn’t live without. the ground beneath me is shaking the way i’m walking. i have to release myself from this situation. a war with myself.
Rephrasing Ignorance
after a long weekend. i spent it in such a beautiful moments. going dancing with ucha, riding the town with lisa. everything was perfect. but there’s still something missing deep inside. i had enough of searching. standing between the lines of emotional state. leaving me questions which i cannot answer. what am i trying
to proofe by acting this way. an answer i can’t find in the good book or drowned in my paper work. is it the way it meant to be? if they say love is in the air, never is it clear. how to pull a clues and make it stay? butterfly are free to fly, why do they fly away. leaving me and carry on and wonder why. i tried to make the best out of it but it just got harder and harder everytime. its like drugs that kept pulling you back to addiction. like a cancer in your vital organs, you can live but you’re dying. i cannot rephrase this in other more pretty picture. but it is the way i think. i love depression, an obsession in my limitation. counting down days i have to pay to be in that new Jerusalem.
Enigmatic Suppression
lately i’ve been stupifying myself again.
in a such dramatic and mellow kinda way i remember those sweet times. times where
i’ve had someone. an intimate person that we spent in such a mutual ways of
dialogues, caressing thoughts and tender kisses. i guess it just periodically for
people like me. being alone from affection and still get addicted for it. yeah,
i’m a supposed former infatuation junkie. just because i seen his pictures or
reading his sms it doesn’t mean i’m a pathetic loser. i don’t know whether i’ve
passed that 5 stage of self acception. i’ve been through unawareness, denial,
anger and fear. but i never know if i did make it through to acceptance. an
understanding of myself that life isn’t that short and foolishly spoiled into 
times for being alone and pitty for myself. the universe sometimes revolved
around me. i’m the sun in my world which makes me blind that i have so many
things to concern about outside of my selfishly ego. hunger, poverty, desease,
economic frustation, world peace, discriminations and so much other. but how come
i ever think is about me? i shouldn’t make reason after reason just to make me
feel better and get away instead facing it. he don’t love me so be it. not just
because Tweet saying "..And even if the bad times call, if I had you back I
wouldn’t complain at all", i suddenly change my mind and skip the part
survivorness inside me. so many things i wanted but so little time God have given me.
giving in for being out, that’s what i should do. so many understanding from my
environments, an encouragement from my loyal community that i took for granted. i
should’ve change. not for anyone, not for anything but for the sake of my mind.
talking about changes. i’m kinda blue today at work. the bird is trying to leave his cage. wondering to the big blue sky. that bird can’t stand the cold & dimp of the forest we lived in. some bird just don’t fit in in some habitat ya know? feel sorry
for him. i got notthing to say but i’m gonna miss u birdy…
well, friends come and go but i should hold on to the precious few. work is like
hell lately because we are going to held a big agenda this april. i love it.
rushing and screaming between sea of deadlines and reports. hehe..life is
just….enigmatic.
*dedicated to a big bird, a big old buddy bird of mine….
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