Bra1n-w@shed

i didn’t realize how Yogyakarta was ruined. more than 5000 people died in that

earthquake. i’m not much of a person who really cares about other people.

especially miseries. i dunno. maybe i’m used to pain and suffering so i’m not too

concern with another misery happening all around me. call me selfish, call me

cruel or one sick bastard. but, yesterday my eyes suddenly rolling its tears,

right at my work desk & only one of my friend knows about this. yes, in a middle

of nothing i suddenly felt my heart torn to pieces. as if you lost your mom and

dad, or u heard the news of ur loved one died. strange, no more than that,

totally freaking shit. a compiled of a large amount of people’s emotion hit me on

my head and strike me in my heart. maybe what i’m talking is sounds like crap to

you. at that particular moment i felt a huge sadness towards nothing. what a

wimp, as i thought of myself.
but i’m sorry, i just couldn’t help myself with this. could u stop ur heart from

beating? i know some indians could, but that’s not the point. i seek an answer

for this strange insident, and my friend said, maybe there’s something to do with

with Jogja. i said, hell no. i know what’s happening there, but i’m not some holy

man who’s rush to save the world when parts of it in great disaster. i don’t

care. but damn it, yesterday was hellavah day for me. i couldn’t focus on my job.

i was so gloomy, a black cloud stop over me and giving me so many bad feelings.
and then couple hours later my boss (she already went back from Itally and

brought me a nice mug) she told us to call each of our client especially lived in

Jogja. just to find out whether they’re ok and such. and i thought, hmm..what a

coincidence..hehe. i called some of my accounts and quite sad really listening on

the phone of their stories. there’s this women, cried as i called her. her dad

was one of the quake victims. burried under their house. another man told me he

lost his whole factory and house. they lived in their relative’s residence. some

others are just fine, but left with this horrible trauma whenever they heard a

rumble, a small shake, or just noises. well, my work place start to gathering

money and living supplies to be sent out to Jogja.

sometimes i wonder what are those human doing exactly. one moment they go into

war, fighting over something that’s not even clear about. or destroying their own

living planet with toxic, anger or stupidness. not that i’m agree or disagree 

about this whole crap, no. i don’t really into other’s doing or what the hell

they r up to. what i have in mind is, strange to see how people behave. at one

time we are so indivualistic when other time we are gathered in one whole same

situation? what is this…? human are so weird. i cannot predict what they are up

to in another second i turned myself away from them. one of my best friend once said to me:

If you ever get close to a human
and human behaviour
be ready to get confused

there’s definitely no logic
to human behaviour
but yet so irresistible
there is no map
to human behaviour

they’re terribly moody
then all of a sudden turn happy
but, oh, to get involved in the exchange
of human emotions is ever so satisfying

…and she is so right.

what a shiny morning. i turned my head and it’s 10 o’clock on my desk digital. i thought, hmmph… saturday. i got a date with my ex gf. we have planned this a week ago to go to the cineplex. it was a rough yet a boring day yesterday at the office. sales was high but it’s boring. something’s felt wrong. i dunno, sometimes i got a feeling about that stuff. a few of my friends is sick, my boss went to Itally, office was a big graveyard..hehe. after work, i went to see modja, my best friend from my confirmation class in 2001. that’s the only generation in my church that still exist even though we’ve gone seperate ways. modja got a small lump on her right hand, it has to be surgically removed. everything went fine, me and ucha visited her at the hospital room 205 Xaverius. i hate hospital. the stench is like u dead already. as we walk the alley, i’m thinking most of my family members died in hospital. well, not the same place we’re walking in but i’ve seen people dying in this places. modja looks happy to see us. there’s her mom, her dad, her aunty, her cousin, well let’s just say her big family was there. they were nice and always were, since that spagetti insident on x’mas 2002, haha always laugh on that one. the security remind us the visiting hour is over so we went home. as i got home it was 9pm. play this Pharaoh game on my pc until my ex gf called. we talked for straight two hours. we talked about everything. about her and her far away bf in Australia, about her friend who had 3 bf, and suddenly my Libran scale was balance itself. i said to her i was feeling quite bad when i heard she was with this new guy. how i want to get her back. she went quiet for a moment. but then i told her it’s just my ego back then. i’ve talked with his bf and it looks like they are going fine, and he really are serious in with her. it’s just that…i want her to be good taken care of. i did spoiled my milk once. now i don’t have it anymore. as i heard her voice talking, i know she had changed. more mature, know herself better, and i’m glad. i smiled over the line even though she don’t know it. then we talked and laughed, and decide what time we will met tomorrow. i learn more and more as i met new people. three years ago i had this feeling that the years forth will really hit me with changes. and i was right. i got my first job, then i moved out. got another new job. events has happen, shit happens, fortunes, unlucky moment, people walk away from me but more individuals kept coming. i still remember what i wrote long ago somewhere on this blog, "everything don’t just happen, life got its own reason for me. people i met is another piece of puzzle that will complete them all."

firstly i wanna thank u my dear sweet Lord for creating a magnificent night of stars tonight. i was on my way home from another day of work. it was as ussual. full of crab, fun, anger and exhausting. still i’m gratefull.
then in the bus, starring at nothing, since my m3 player is broke down i was thinking. why does my life written so strange out of all the people in the world. i  start to think of ucha. he doesn’t like me regreting of what i am, and so do i. i like everything in crystal water. where people act as what they are, no denials, hypocrite is shit, we say what we really mean. but, c’mon this is the REAL world. wake up hey me. i started to gun myself wity lots of question. find the root of my emptiness, the truth deep down myself that’s been burried with all drama’s i’ve been playing with, desperation i’ve been swimming in. and i think i found it. why i love being with older man, hunger for love and attention for me, miss all those really-mean-it hugs & kisses. the answer  is my dad. i never know what its like to have a father. how was it being loved by ur parent. cliche it may sound. but i went through this now. the story that i’ve read or heard is the line i’m walking in. i really miss my dad. i never know him, or see him. but i really want to. but at the same time i hate him for leaving my mom to her death just like that. for leaving me just like this. i’m hunger of his teaching. watching me as i held my first trophy in school, or see me in my english competition, watch me in my tennis lesson or just hanging out talking about which race team would win this year. i would never know that. and never will. they just a piece of memories i never recall. i knew this would hit me soon or later.
the reason why i’m thinking this now is i don’t want to carry this until i grew my own son. i’m sick living in my world of denial. pretend to be someone i’m not. sick of waiting for that someone that would really watch my back. thinking of is that the right person. but most is i’m sick with myself for being the object of my own game. such a loser. i don’t know myself anymore. i can’t think stuff i used to back then. it really affect me in anyway. i want to being loved, i want to feel love again. not fear of taking a step forward to a relationship. or worst, being in a wrong relationship. i gotta see the world. i gotta get myself outta here. i need help. serious one.

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
Two undernourished egos four rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I’m a sliding scale
Can’t endure then you can’t inhale
Clearly
Out of body experience interferes
And dreams of flying I fit nearly
Surrounds me though I get lonely
Slowly

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
She’s moving up slowly
Slowly
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
Moving up slowly

In my home no chrome as clear as
See me now with my nearest dearest
Been there when I’m over careering
Room shifting is endearing
Between us is our kitchen
Would you found my irritant’s itching
Been here before
Been here forever

Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
Moving up slowly
Inertia creeps
Moving up slowly
Inertia keeps
Moving up slowly
She comes
Moving up slowly
Moving up slowly
She comes moving up slowly
Inertia creeps moving up slowly

She comes
I make no sound in my eidertown
Awake I lie in the morning’s blue
Room is still my antenna in you
Nylon burns the bedspread with two
Gravity’s zero see me stall
I bounce off walls lose my footing and fall
It can be sweet though incomplete though
And the frames will freeze
See me on all four’s
It’s been a long time

She comes
She comes
I want to x you
She comes
I want to x you
She comes

I caught your radio waves
I caught your radio waves
Will you take a string
Say you string me along
Say you string me along
Say inertia creeps
Inertia creeps and she comes
Say she comes
Say she comes
Say she comes
Say she comes

Massive Attack

i was so tired yesterday after LOi training at the office. i was in charge for the rundown of the event. from handling sound, visual, scenario, videos, music and other technical stuff at the control room. i got no one at my back. not mentioning IT staff who i cannot depent at all. anyway, my friend as the MC that morning, it was his first time so i cannot blame for his nervous and out of focus for his presentation. after the event i was so darn sleepy since last nite i was doing sound check until late and wake up so early even the birds still in their bed. i go home, eat something and sleep. in my nap time, i’m day dreaming, literally. i was dreaming Jesus came to my very living place. well, i didn’t see His face but somehow my mind are telling me that’s the big guy from upstairs. with all His glory and shiny clothing he goes to the second floor where my room is. He go to the bathroom, brushing the walls & the floor. i saw it was clean, but as He brush them, there is still some dirt left, dropping to the floor. i think He’s trying telling me something. and He walked to my room as i followed, he check out my drawers, looking at my CD rack next to my PC. i think he mentioned about some porns (i didn’t actually saw His lips moving but sorta telepathic thing ya know..) suddenly i was full of shame and guilt with all that porn my cousins left there when we was hanging out together. there was something that makes me scared as he knows every words coming in my mind and heart. some kinda guilt telling me i’m not living in His way. something was definitely gone wrong.

i woke up and i start to think…i hadn’t had any religiously connected dream for sometime. well, Jesus did came to me in my younger years, but then it stopped until today. i’m not ashamed revealing what i am. i ain’t the holliest man alive. i’m just a human who wants some peace in my life and hoping everything always going right, my way. well, some of us think that "our way" is the best way. well, it isn’t. life always telling us by hitting the spot deep down inside of every individual what is right, what is the truth. don’t care whether you’re a friend of Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Mother Mary or whatever, there is always a way to tell us we’re not doing something right. its good i was being reminded by dream, some people learn the hard way. either it by illness, pain, suffering, pennyless or losing something we love. i couldn’t get too far from the word fun, but i want that fun to be right, get wutta mean? in anyway, i’m just a learning man.

I’m not perfect , yes I do wrong

I’m trying my best

But It aint good enough

Shunned by the world

But He still loves me,,,but the Lord still loves me!