Bra1n-w@shed

firstly i wanna thank u my dear sweet Lord for creating a magnificent night of stars tonight. i was on my way home from another day of work. it was as ussual. full of crab, fun, anger and exhausting. still i’m gratefull.
then in the bus, starring at nothing, since my m3 player is broke down i was thinking. why does my life written so strange out of all the people in the world. i  start to think of ucha. he doesn’t like me regreting of what i am, and so do i. i like everything in crystal water. where people act as what they are, no denials, hypocrite is shit, we say what we really mean. but, c’mon this is the REAL world. wake up hey me. i started to gun myself wity lots of question. find the root of my emptiness, the truth deep down myself that’s been burried with all drama’s i’ve been playing with, desperation i’ve been swimming in. and i think i found it. why i love being with older man, hunger for love and attention for me, miss all those really-mean-it hugs & kisses. the answer  is my dad. i never know what its like to have a father. how was it being loved by ur parent. cliche it may sound. but i went through this now. the story that i’ve read or heard is the line i’m walking in. i really miss my dad. i never know him, or see him. but i really want to. but at the same time i hate him for leaving my mom to her death just like that. for leaving me just like this. i’m hunger of his teaching. watching me as i held my first trophy in school, or see me in my english competition, watch me in my tennis lesson or just hanging out talking about which race team would win this year. i would never know that. and never will. they just a piece of memories i never recall. i knew this would hit me soon or later.
the reason why i’m thinking this now is i don’t want to carry this until i grew my own son. i’m sick living in my world of denial. pretend to be someone i’m not. sick of waiting for that someone that would really watch my back. thinking of is that the right person. but most is i’m sick with myself for being the object of my own game. such a loser. i don’t know myself anymore. i can’t think stuff i used to back then. it really affect me in anyway. i want to being loved, i want to feel love again. not fear of taking a step forward to a relationship. or worst, being in a wrong relationship. i gotta see the world. i gotta get myself outta here. i need help. serious one.