Bra1n-w@shed

i was haunted by the past of my own nightmare. a nightmare that was long lost forgotten but somehow it tinkles my life lately.
i try to fix and finish my past business with him. i can’t live my life this way. keeping this grudge and anger all this time until the day i die. no, i can’t do that. i know revenge is an option and i choose not to take it. i’m not the kind of person filling my life with so much hate. or at least i try not to. so, i talk with ucha last nite and ask his opinion if i should call d and know whether he’s ok. i told ucha that maybe just by mouthfulling my ego and confussion, i would rest myself in peace. maybe i’m just scared that he’s not ok, and trying to called him makes me stop thinking about him. plus, i’m trying to make him as a friend instead of enemy. i could’ve never let him go if i don’t take it with a big heart and taking the fact that he’s not mine anymore.
so, today i made a decision to call him.

my mobile credit is almost zero (BCA having a network problem for recharging voucher) and not available for making a phone call. so, i call d from my office. i don’t know if he would ever pick up all my numbers, if he still remember. at 2 first call, he didn’t pick up. instead he rejects my call (i know a rejection tone sounded). but the 3rd ring he pick up, said hello and i said hello, and he hang up. so in the evening, i try to call him again and he did pick up said hello 2 times and silent for almost 5 second..i said hello, asking why he didn’t pick up…and he hanging up on me again. so with my very last credit, i send him a short message saying why he wouldn’t pick up, asking if he’s ok, and saying goodbye. i think this is my last goodbye, not like christmas…
i was shaking, my fingers were cold as shit, my heart thumping in a screwed manner but i feel good. i mean finally, i did it. it’s time for me to move on, find someone worthed…and being happy again.

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated

Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me