i did it. i send a happy birthday to a person who really really hurt me. it’s been a year and i still couldn’t move on with my feeling. that pain is still stucked inside as i go on with my life. a picture with one dead pixel. i still can see but not perfect. 
i said once i’m still learning various emotions a human being have and this one is a level i still don’t understand. how come a pain feels so good. it damn hurt, but the more painful the more sweet it tasted. a memory is actually just a tiny working brain cell and causes electric cloud throughout each neurons. but how come it affect me so big and as i typed this writting i’m still shaking all over?
funny if i remembered. a week before last year birthday i met this person. candy sweet lolipop taste gum drop gummy sugar was all we had. that was the first time i ever been in love. and ever be. we had so much and i try to control my self by letting go what i really feel like. getting rid of the grey in me and blend in as one of them. it was a huge change. i change for a heart i couldn’t find elsewhere. i pray to God as i really mean it. blessing and blessing is what i always mentioned in nights of hope and peacefulness.
but then it began to change. in the light i found another light but dimmer. and starting to fade. we start to lose our communications, i always try to reach to d’s mobile but mail voice after mail voice is all i get. that was it.
i knew i was facing the fact we have to seperate. even though there were no goodbye’s i know we reach the finish line. the reason of all that is a truth i always try to kept and hide to myself. i didn’t dare questioning the love in my hand and blew it on my face.
so, months after that i still couldn’t let go. until last christmas i sent a simple message and saying goodbye and take care. until tonite i suddenly woke up in my sleep for no reason and knowing it’s someone’s birthday. it was kinda odd for me, a forgetful person without a reminder, knows the exact date of a person’s birthday.
but the reply was quite soothing, a thanks and a blessing too. i wasn’t expecting a reply, since i always got nothing from past messages. but what the hell. i know what i did tonite is wrong. first, remember the birth date is wrong and second sending an sms is worse. but two wrong doesn’t make a right. just a simple confessions to myself that the little L is still there…..
Once you had gold, once you had silver,
Then came the rain, out of the blue.
Ever and always. Always and ever.
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.
Now you can see, spring becomes autumn.
Leaves become gold, falling from view.
Ever and always. Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream come true,
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.
What is the dark; shadows around you,
why not take heart, in the new day?
Ever and always. Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream for you,
Time gave both darkness and dreams to you.
Enya - Once You Had Gold
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