Bra1n-w@shed

The last day of my holiday…

How time passes by like water
from the edge of your eyes into your half-open mouth. Salty like sea-water. The
time on the wall shows 11 on one of its arm, I know I gotta wake up. i missed
working from the 1^st day of Ied’s holiday. I dunno what I should do
when all of my friends are busy with their own plan. So, mostly I spent most of
my boring days with hanging out in every coffee house in the city. And I make a
sweet mistake.

I shouldn’t go with him, with the
person that was supposed to enter my best friend’s love life. It wasn’t over
between the two of them –as far as I see- a business without a reconcilement. But
things just got a bit outta hand lately. I talk to this particular person that
this isn’t a right thing to do, that I was his biggest mistake, how I cannot
betray my friend as what am doing is stabbed him right on the heart. Broken to
pieces.

I learned something more from
myself after all the things I’ve been through. That I am one kind of person
that cannot commit of what I start with. How I tend to hurt the person I love
because of what I experienced. Like Kelly Clarkson’s – Because Of You song
thingy. How trust becomes a vague, a subject to my morale behavior toward a
relationship of my future to be. Where is the line in me? I constantly and
always will be an object of my own infatuation junkie.

Yesterday I go around

Jakarta

’s music store,
from Aquarius in Blok-M, Plaza Senayan, Sarinah and finally Duta Suara Sabang. I’m
looking for Bjork CD and some other CD. I found nothing but Bjork’s Medulla CD import,
her DVD unplugged & Josh Stone. I listen to Medulla and it really a struck
in my head as the lyrics really define me in this moment. One of her song
titled Desired Constellation, one of the paragraphs says:

With a palm full of stars

I throw them like dice (repeatedly)

On the table (repeatedly)

I shake them like dice

And throw them on the table

Repeatedly

Until the desired constellation appears

How am I going to make it right?

How am I going to make it right?

The words “how am I going to make
it right” just kept on repeating itself in my head.  How I have a tendency to see things beautiful
as it can be when I hardly tries to make it my own way. How can a heart be so
sweet even though it knows that it’s doing a wrong thing? How am I going to
make it right?

He’s going back to

Surabaya

today and I he
asked me to accompanied him to the airport. I’m happy and I’m trying not to
think upon of anything else. Such as if my best friend ever found out about
this….I can’t even imagine it. I love him and also my friend more than
anything. The triumph of a heart that gives all…!

Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

(Brother and sister together we’ll make it through
Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there
I know you’ve been hurting, and I know I’ve been waiting to be there
for you. And I’ll be there, just tell me now, whenever I can.
Everybody’s free.)

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in

New York City

once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in

Northern California

once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Baz Luhrmann
(Written by columnist Mary Schmich & then Baz add some music, titled: Sunscreen)

It’s hellavah week. I encounter a totally different phase of
life in one same timeline. Life and death; starting and ending; birth & dying, well in
this case: welcome and goodbye.

 I met someone from a lucid memory in my childhood. She’s a friend from my old neighborhood, 1st grade actually. we play, we fooling around
and suddenly she just left to Merauke for an unknown reason. And last week on a normal
working time, a busy afternoon where i’m about to die in my work files my phone rang. i know
it’s ringing but i didn’t pick it up coz its got no contact name. twice, and three time its
still ringing, i know i was captivating my computer to my hand but something told me i
should pick this one up.

 "Hello" was a normal ambience coming from my
starting conversation on the phone. she start introducing herself, her name was Indi. and i wasn’t
aware who she was until she mentioned our old living place and everything stopped. after
13 years my clock began to turning back itself, a flashing points of my childhood
memories. a child where i see so happy and free, so beautiful it was until i kept it as a
dream. seeing myself today and all my stupid life problems, i remember her in our past memories
as children.

 we met that night and had a beautiful dinner. she was so
happy, i was so happy. we talk like there was no more forever. she’s been looking for me from 6
years ago and how she struggle until she found my cell phone number. i appreciate
of what her did, for someone who is no one in this big old space of universe. we held
hand as we go out from Colors, a bar where i used to enjoy my moment of Jazz after work. a
nice pasta menu and some cool jazz band accompany us that night. she actually kissed me
when she asked am i in a relationship. i didn’t answer as i don’t want to hurt her
golden feelings of what she expected from me.

 she kept calling me after our meeting, day after day, hours
after hours. i tried best not to pick up her calls or replying her message. i don’t want to
give her so much hope and let her
hand go from a cliff of desperation. after so many years,
i’m a change man, and i know the same changes throughout her life too. please don’t make me
hurt you gurl, let the past becomes a secret of your future. i cannot pretend i love
you, it’s just as throwing dust in your eyes and dance all the way.

 well, a week later my aunt died. she’s not my aunt really
but someone who raised me from a baby and really close to our family, practically she is my
aunt. she died of asthma. i know that sad news from my mom the next morning. her nephew called me the night before but i was so busy doing my work i didn’t pick up her call. damn
it!! if i knew how important that call i would pick that call rite away. she spent 3 days in
hospital and i wasn’t there.

that morning i didn’t go to work. i go straight to her
funeral even though it’s quite far from where i’m living. i don’t care, at least i’m there
before the earth swallow her inside. i notice all around me. i’m not so close with the family and
i saw so many old faces. i still remember how we was back in those years. as if my mind just
stop recognizing people from the moment i left them. and now so many lines drawn in their
faces, so many sad and downcast eyes all around me. how many years has passed in my
life.

how people would jump right infront of me after so many years. and how someone who really loves me and care for me just left without any goodbye. what we hold now dear is just something belongs to the past from the start. eventually we would leave them in the starting line and taking a glance of ourselves on the finish lines.

think about the future, its still traveling
too much confidence on what you have
they aint are dear to feel this safe
overload your destiny & you’ll wake up behind it