Bra1n-w@shed

I
cover beneath the image of my other personality. How he protect me, how he keep
me away from harm, only with him I have my own little world of comfort. I grew
another personality since I was nine, in a sweet-coated childhood, covered with
lies and invisible truth. He only appeared sometimes in my lonely nights. Time
where I missed my birth mom and dad, times where I get disappointed in life,
moments where my adopted mother unnecessarily packed my youth with so many
activities covering the fact she never really raised me. She doesn’t know my
school friends or my teacher’s name until I’m graduated high school nor my
painting festival competition I’m involved in.

Only
with Rainer I feel I have a friend, a trusted one. Sure I talk with God
sometimes, and he listens with me having this conversation talking with O’
magnificent One. He just stood there quietly watching me mingled with my life,
my relationships and so many friends. Until lately he showed up as emotionally
visible as the divergence between me and Yuska. He taught me since as far as I
can remember that humans are not trustworthy but I didn’t listen. I lay down so
low with them, play and socially attached until the point in time I get hurt.

My
other personality is so physically powerful and full of rage. Intellectually
brave to outspoken his wits and in the same time guard me from the world full
of phony imaginings. Where people only think of themselves, ideally have the
right to hurt people in their own way, easily break their promises and blindly
judge even to their closest person. He came out from the deep to just to show
me the true reality of life. That the actual rainbow, colors and butterflies
are black and white after all.

I
see people everyday walk, talk and feel like a walking zombies. Blind thoughts
based on simple conclusion can make them turn from what they believed in the
very first place. I’m not alone now, with him within me and I’m inside of him.
When I’m weak and easily bruised by human feelings he showed up as an army of
me. I’m sitting alone in my room; I never turn on the light, only my night desk
lamp. In the darkness I can feel his presence. So expressively balance and
peace as I stepped out from the world of bewilderment.

If
you understand of if you don’t, if you believe or if you doubt. There’s
universal justice and the eyes of truth are always watching you.

When people says: “friends are forever” or “friends never say goodbye”. Well guess what, they lied. How come a trust we build upon nothing, those memories that were once a reality now just a vivid image of the past. We thought we knew each other but the fact we never know the person behind the open door. Yuska has died in my mind.

It’s been a week, yes, perfectly seven days since we start to lose our communication. A magnificent 6 years of time where laugh were once a regular thing. Sadness we spent together in times where it was hard for each of us. We share it so glamorously through time and spaces. How can he throw it like dirt, no, not like dirt. Like air through an empty hole.

He is covered with jealousy and rage, blinded by the facts what he saw and hear, read and feel. Can’t see the real me inside, since I thought he known me for who I am. But he didn’t. I love him for who he was, but he just kept throwing dust in my eyes. Why? A question where the answer is just silence and unanswered prayers.

He return all the stuff we bought together. Once night in my working day, Monday exactly November 30^th, I found my paintings that I gave to him on his birthday, the laughing pig on 2001, our pictures as the witness of time, pins, books, CDs, and one letter he left for me in that package: “…..I’m deleting you from my mind. Good luck in life.” That night I didn’t cry, just emptiness. An emptiness I once felt before I met him, before I have the love of my life.

I never know my parents since I was a kid. I lived with some family I never close with anyone at all, basic point is I live in my small dark cold world and I love it. Then Yuska and Lisa appeared as ray of sunshine in my small lonely world. I spent most of my times with them. Since that day Lord has offered me a new life, a promise He would never leave me alone, again. In their reflections, I see God, I see God in my very own eyes.

But this day has come, where Yuska left me for a reason that in my logic is very selfish and ridiculous. But I couldn’t hate him no matter what. There’s no pain I couldn’t take for him, because all my emotion is dead from this day. I try to move on, he try to move on. I’m hurt so bad, it began to feel so good. Juste avant toi.

While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love
In a ball of yarn
He’ll never return it
So when you come back
We’ll have to make new love
He’ll never return it

Bjork - Unravel