Bra1n-w@shed

It’s Sunday again. A calm,
soothing night air and partly dry in one area of Jakarta , well, since some other areas are
flooded. I’m enjoying my moment of break after 6 working days with endless
phone calls and zillions of emails. My cousin are sleeping in my bed, his house
isn’t clean enough to be slept after dirty waters coming in on his crib. His
brothers & parents flee to their relatives in Bekasi.

I’m watching two windows with Björk
– Big Time Sensuality video with different version, one is day and another is
night version. It took place in New
  York street, while she crazed and dance in one big
trailer going through the busy streets of NYC. I hear the same song but with
two different movement on each Quicktime windows. It’s an old video, but still
great, one of my favorite. 

Almost a month since I meet my bf
and decided to go through something new with him. I mean, I don’t wanna
experience the same trauma I had in my former relationships. Some are good,
most are lousy. But life gave me chances and options, how am I handling it all
this time is all up to me. People use to telling us what to do with our life,
as if they have the remote of our life and press play. Maybe we just don’t
realize that almost more than half of our lifetime we use to take orders from
someone else. Just because they are smarter, bigger, stronger, sexier,
wealthier or just older, they tried to take the best out of us and leave the
“me” in a small portion of life.

We already have been through all
kind of life episodes, different organizations and all sort of social
communities. School life, college fraternity, window shoppers, the army, sport
clubs, church affiliation, media relations, gossip group, cyber-communities and
even family members, has taught us to be the you-have-to-do-this person. I
quote this from Baz: “Be careful whose
advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of
nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping
it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.”

But in my experience, it’s
totally different. I lived in a family where dreams & hopes are something
untouchable. So expensive you should wipe it out of your head boy. I once got a
scholarship to go to Japan,
8 years ago. My mom didn’t let me and told me to pass the offer. Then I want to
learn guitar, my aunties and mom told me that it was something stupid, I should
just stick my head on school books and quit dreaming. Another occurrence was
when I want to participate in paintings competition, the whole family member
never support me and told me that I won’t ever win. Until my college life I had
to choose the major my mom wants me to take or else she’ll to stop support me
financially.

It was a hard time for me to do
something I always wanted. I always take order from other people, being told to
be someone I’m not pleased to be; I was born to be the victim. Then one day I
talk with myself, he always giving me ideas on how life can be fought and
upturned. I stop communicating on whatever I do to my family; I take a step out
of the cage and do everything I wanted. It’s not as smooth as I was thinking
its going to be, God gave me strength to walk on my very own feet. It was all
started from nothing, from scratch until I bleed my fingers but I was complete.
Mr. Bon Jovi said: “It’s my life, it is
now or never. I ain’t gonna live forever. I just wanna live when I’m alive.” He
was damn right. I’m looking at myself now, I almost got everything I need, and
every step I take is choices that come out from my own heart.