It’s been a while since I wrote my journal.
An empty heart full of thoughts, raging back and forth in my empty head. I don’t know where to start with, I learn a lot from my mistakes. I learn a lot from I did and say.
Feeling of losing something dear to me, paper faces I once knew and love so tender. He died and never coming back. Sweet Lord leaving me nothing but a new page to start my life from I have left my poor soul hungry for love. I have been looking to hard while the fact I don’t even know what I’m looking for. My boss once said to me, maybe I never really falling in love but I’m falling for lust instead.
My eyes have deceived me in many ways. It only show me things I want but never what I need, it began to run down slowly within my veins and pumping my dry-cold-heart. Too much talking just leaving me tired and speechless coz they have actually taken all my sentences away. My teeth shimmering in super mode along with my skin shivering scared for being lonely for the rest of my life. Ever felt that?
I want to talk to God but I’m afraid since I never talk to Him so often since that day. I have no courage in walking to His chamber and sing to His presence as I did long ago. My world now back to grey skies and yellow people walking in and out. I love being here but they share a hand to let me out and I won’t move an inch. Birds start singing for me, a song of Cocoon that make my heart feel comfort. “A train of pearls, cabin by cabin is shot precisely across an ocean.”
I sit again in my peaceful night. Where the stars just starring and sit along quiet with me. Forget all my works, my bills, deadlines and appointments, just try to feel my breath from my devastated lungs. Finding happiness I could find with every person I’m messaging with. And one day I’m receiving a text message saying his dad just passed away. A best friend of mine from high school, just two days before his birthday and he lose someone precious to his life. I never had a father, so I wouldn’t know what it feels like. But how come the pain is almost the same?
It’s almost one in the morning as i looked at the clock hanging on the wall. I hear nothing but the cold wind from outside. My graduation is another 14 days and it feels just the same. It’s actually my ticket to go for my long art-design study i want. I have no relatives or family left; it’s a relief because I don’t have anyone to worry about if i left, anywhere. All i have to to is work my ass off and focus to build my own gallery somewhere in part of the world. It’s easy, just need drop of my blood and sweat.
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling, no I don’t believe you
you don’t care a bit,
you don’t care a bit.
Imogen Heap - Hide & Seek
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