Bra1n-w@shed

I’m attached now, as my ball of
relationship has roll again and leads me to this Great War between ego and the
immense term of “us”. I’m in love so desperately I would change their world to
match our world or destroy it and make a new one. He filled my puzzle yet he
try to solve my riddles. He shared the essence of Rainer, he taught me to love
again, feel the pain and gain the warmth of my beating heart.

It has been exactly two month
since we shared our feelings and being commonly devoted to each other. It was
different from my past relationship, something unique I cannot figure it out.
The difference was in me. I have become this paranoid person, fragile, I have
freed myself from a well-built cocoon and feel the unseen truth. He made me
realize how defenseless I am to my own feelings. Probably many wounds I had not
totally gone, it is healed as I speak but the marks are still there.

I know that is my own problems as
a grown mature person, I have to think clearly through my logic of what I have
learn all these times. We often disagree with something, the matter is not that
big actually but sometimes –again- we have our ego to won and lead us to
misunderstood complicated situation. I admit I sometimes I’m hurt of what he
said when he’s angry, but maybe he’s hurt too by unfiltered truth. Good thing
is we both respect that difference and still based the same feeling we started
this relationship with. We both realize that we cannot let our personality
being the gap of each our action and words to each other. Instead we try to be
understanding and it does works, we apologize and still remember the lesson
with not forgetting what we’ve done wrong.

I love this man with all my
heart. The first steps were so hard because I cannot trust him in whatever he
does. And he doesn’t feel too comfortable with that, and so am I. It’s like an automated program, my trauma kept on
haunting me. My bad experience has led me to a person where everything is
nothing but lies. Until one day, after we argue I promise to him I would trust
him in whatever he does. And I taught myself that pain is one whole package
with love, one thing couldn’t live without the other one. My rusty door has
open once more and I must trust myself that this time he will close back the
door and stay in forever.

It’s been a while since you all
heard my story. My simple yet miserable story of my life hood in this big city.
A small mind collides with so many different individuals, so many soul I have
passes among all the unknown names in His green earth.

Sometimes we do need a little
hide-out, being so tired tortured with eyes and unspoken words. Just like me.
All I did within these few months are hiding in my own shell, with Rainer
protecting me in our soft flesh membrane. We live as one with two different
attitudes, thus I’m comfort in his ocean of mad-emotional statements. While the
world never welcome us to step into their land, a ground full of lies, suspicious, hates, vengeance, all in the name contemporary-humanism.

My job is killing me yet it gives
me a running engine everyday, like morphine. The more you shot into it, the
more it calling you for more. I’m really in the state of walking-dead, I’m
numbing myself from every reach. I never think of this big world full of scary
monsters (there are monsters outside – Annie says it), but what I see is
dullness. Same thing happen over and over again in so many different forms but
always for the same process.

I have so many dreams I have to
fulfill I don’t know where to start. My mind always searches for higher state
of life, when realities just bust me on my way out of the door. A temporary
infinite of wisdom attacked me every time I try to be more mature in my
actions. I always believe I will go to NYC to build my own gallery, I always
trust in myself to die old in Africa but there
are many circumstances that won’t stop until I make those come true. “The more
that I wait, the more time that I waste” I always hold on to that, hell yea.

Now all I have to do is holding
on to my small faith I have now. At least I have something to believe in. The
universe gives us hopes in ways we cannot imagine. Just like what happen to me.
When I lose all hopes and close all my doors, one warm shaft of light hit me in
my Achilles heel. With just a simple body chemical reaction I’m surrendering to
him. He’s my moonlight in the middle of my dark forest (I hate the term ray of
sunshine, since I hate any source of powerful lighting). We started off in an
unpredictable moment, in a wrong place in a wrong timing; fortunately
everything went right in the correct portion.

It’s been two months now. I’m not
changing for anyone also not for him, but we get along just fine. It’s kinda
funny to think I’m going through this again, when the last writing was about
chemistry between two different individuals who are falling in love. We’re at
the same age, but he’s much wiser than me, smart in a way, fitness-class-freak
and personal-business oriented. He passed my test, he got my attention, and now
he deserves my affection.

"i’ll go through all this
before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you"