I know now, or at least I think I
know what have been torturing my restless soul during this empty period of
time. After I’m out of the job, I’ve been nothing but miserable, wrathful,
negatively-energetic, confuse and tortured by my own self. I cannot find the
“better” I used to see in the mirror, the person behind all the creativity and
crazy ideas. All I ever met is Rainer and his vengeful promises to this world
and all the inhabitants.
Last night was really a volcanic
moment to my ever relationship. It was dramatic, it was mad-chaotic I should
say, but nevertheless it was the most power-consumption activity I ever had in
the last few months. We have entered
almost to a year of our life journey together; the bond is going more than
strong. The love that we had has now become the beast within, it is so
influential to both of two different characters it turned us to be possessive
and created an insane way of loving.
The pain not only corrupted our
mind and physic, slowly it creeps into a logic way of thinking we use to have;
and create another world where others fear to enter. As I was saying, it is
full of drama, a word I promised to leave some years back. Yet now I’m into the
mess I’m in at the first place, but only with a different environment. I love
him like the sea water to the gravity of the earth, and I could felt his loving
too. Day by day, as time rolling with our voyage we found that both of us
needed each other like Cerberus to its master.
I believe that this relationship
is not difference than some others experience, but why is it become so hard for
both of us, especially to me? Like a big ball of confusion, it kept rolling
down the hill of sanity and going bigger and bigger. Yes, we discussed it over
time, but we never get a solution to settle both of us down. We have many
differences as two different individuals, but the main objective two people in
love is to work it out together in harmony. Love isn’t created to be thinking
of, it is there to be felt.
I am so fucking tired to fight
two people, Rainer and him. Every time he makes me insecure, Rainer takes the
wheel. It goes every single time and I had enough of it. I talked with an
amazing personality from Malang, his name is Danny. We never met before; we
only know each other from Friendster and start to get to know more with IM
since ages ago. He taught me so much the things I forgotten since I lost
myself. He energized me back to this bunny rabbit with drums on its paw. I
believe that teachers aren’t teaching us new things, but it helps us to
remember things we always knew. It feels good to have the same frequency after
sometime we are in a blank spot.
He has this behavior of rubber
time that I cannot accept. Also he likes to run his day in an unscheduled
timing and happy go lucky person, to me. When he said he’s going to some place
and I asked him what time will he be back, his answer would be “I dunno” or
“maybe 11” then I wait at 11 he will showed up at 12 or 1. It kept on going and
driving me insane. I asked him to changed that he said it’s in his blood and
there’s no possible way he want to changed that particular behavior. It just
makes me madder.
I realize that sometimes I’m way
to perfect for a human, I schedule things so flawlessly is as if ‘m in the
army. I like things to be done perfectly, or at least it pleases to whom I’m
doing it for. But my boyfriend can’t live with that, he often called himself “a
loser” and not match for me. It makes me totally unappreciated! After what I
scarified for the sake of our relationship, he says it in a way of taking it
for granted! It makes me want to hurt myself again, I’m less perfect for myself
and it just makes me sick so I must cleansed the dirt away. Then it comes for
me to think, is this what I want? Is this the way I pictured my relationship
and spend it for the rest of my life?
Well, after we have our little
talk we agree to change, or at least to lower our
“individual-standard-behavior”. What makes it even funnier is I cannot remember
of the things I hate in him, while he has the elephant memory. All I can think
of is his way that makes me back smiling in my angry moment, or his eyes when I
looked at him the first time. Maybe that what keeps the love ongoing between
us. It sound crazy and irrational, but for a place called home needs more
scarification than they think.
It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Lauryn Hill – Ex-Faxtor
is that true????????????????
well,thats lyf!
fuyoo
yes, ur one of the common human, we just want things to be in perfect way but still we are a sinners that makes us imperfect,
sometime,we thought that we make things as an easy one but in real thingy, we make it more complicated.
love is like a game, u have to play very well, u have to use ur mind and instinct, and if u lose, accept it coz reality bites.
nice journal..
eLow POh:)m New In ThiS CraZy WorLd Of bLOg..AnD ItS mY 1ST TyM 2 have it,hehe”,)juSt DroppIng by,,Tc
hehehe just okey
stop…it
it’s ok..remember.. all human is a sinner…
nice entry.ü
“Love isn’t created to be thinking of, it is there to be felt.”
and we better start feeling more than usual if it starts to build us up or tear us down. If it would be the latter…. Do you think it’s love?
A man, tried & down of life”s trails & hardships, Ask God, “Why so many hills & mountains to climb in life? God answered.. “So that you’ll have a better view of everything..,
hoi dud’z miz n kta lam mu b un h3h3h3h3h3h3h3h3h3h
hello!!!!
there are moments in life when you need to stop and think. contemplate what you have been through all throughout the years. there are moments when each person are carried away by emotions only to find out something is missing. something is emptying the happiness and contentment that are supposed to be there all the time. Life is what we make it. sometimes we deserved to be alone only to realize the importance of being alone. being alone open doors to many opportunities that lie ahead. present is present but the future keeps on going no matter what the time may bring. above all lifet everything to the one above. He knows something better will come your way than the last.
enjoy your life…
i like ur blog so much, eventhought i dont know what do u wanna talking about!!!
AMAZING…..
you’re not sad,you’re just a perfectionist…
just pray.. 7 ask for the guidance of the Lord within you..
just pray.. ask for the guidance of the Lord within you..
i dont know wat 2 do
“Love isn’t created to be thinking of, it is there to be felt.”
i think this line says if you love someone forget about risks and fear and even a compromising,ugly situation you’re both into and just go and let each other know.
I like this line. it’s difficult when you feel but do not act. It’s good to think before you act. But not when you always think and never acts. Fear, i guess, makes people hold their feelings back. and it’s sad.. especially when you’re really in an awkward situation. In this case I wonder what is hindering what? is love a hindrance or is it the one being hindered?
Anyway, ganbatte! such is life. We always want the sunshine but God knows there must be rain.^^. just dont think too much about it and BTW, nice post. =)
i felt the intensity of the feelings.. yea its true sometimes we love so much that it came to the point where loosing ourselves ,but as we think of it that is the very essence of love to sacrifice..if you love him go on..
I went your nude photos, please send me your photos to my e-mail .oke
mah hart goes wid u dear.. youve suffered so much.. yet ure forsken.. but i ges u rily hav 2 move on n face lyf.. 8s not worth 8..
8s okei..
gudluck…
i dunno what to say… its kinda hard i think…but you have to evaluate yourself man…it would be better i guess if you let your heart heal first then talk to him again…to make things clear and put everything to an end…you can’t suffer forever…you deserve to be happy…take care…
Nice blog. A too perfectionist people will always be like this, so i think u r sad cause by ur own perfectionist attitude. 0_o”
i think you are a perfectionist person and you want your bf/anyone also have the same standard way of living with you.. I think thats difficult.. cause each of us is unique.. everyone created differently.. so dont try to expect too much.. just enjoy your life..
this is awesome
im feeling the exact same thing. how sad.
interesting dude….=)
4 mE,U must be acCept ur lyf of what U are now b’cUs that was thE lyf si……..
alway’s believe in God….
hello poh”"”"”"”"”"‘
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like nancy’s comment. you have a very eloquent write up but I do not understand what you mean!
I think…you really should go on with your life…although it is really hard, try to live your life without him…just keep in mind you deserve to be happy…
by the way nice post…
Differences of two persons is a big line u have to crossed. But making it to the end of the line is in the hand of two persons involved. Its a matter of self-adjustment. and just believe that love has everything to make ireconcilable as reconcilable, impossible as possible and imperfect as perfect. Whoever was/were involved, whoever has shortcomings, and whoever is willing… make love be the way to make all things you want it to be.
Met someone new ?…
Pray to God, Think possitive,and move on.
naks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
auz!!!!
Life is what we make it.. Why make it hard…God Teaches us the lesson but you keep on insisting..We live once and life is to short..
well dat is LOVE…
Clear your mind when it gets full of negative things you can’t do anything about.
You clean your kitchen when it gets messy, you clean your car when the back seat gets cluttered — and you should clean your mind when it gets filled up with a bunch of negative things. This isn’t a question of ignoring the real problems you may be mulling over, it’s a question of letting go of worry. There are things you just can’t do anything about — those are the things you have to stop thinking about today. Move on with good thoughts, and leave the old, icky ones behind।
Getting active will make you happy.
Try to fit more physical activity into this day. Take the stairs, park at the far end of the lot, or maybe just dance around the kitchen. Getting your blood pumping will serve as a great outlet for all the energy that you might not know what to do with. Getting active with your body also encourages you to get active in your brain. And who knows? That extra half hour in your workout could stir up a bevy of new ideas in your mind and give you a strong sense of possibility
indonesia tanah air ku, ha ha ha,
i like all who are writing this… when u have many problem just try to face it cause me also did it.
ahm u know what..all i can say is in that case u must learn to move on and think what will be the best to do to forget your past dont think much of it..it will just give you so much pain and more negative thoughts towards what was your past life happend.. so learned to move on..and stay cool..we all know thats the life goes by…take care and be happy..
love as we always hear from ancient times is never said to be happy…the truth is every single touch of pains that it brings makes us more attach and leaves no choice but to be there…it is endless..but then again, we love with no regrets…soon you will surpass all of these and realize that you are much better than before..as they say…everything happens for a reason…love again dude! =)
hi.add me..melods_boel@yahoo.com
hi.add me..melods_boel@yahoo.com
im a perfect hitman im kill lot who are hurt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!kill the plastic kill the enemyhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
love is not everything ok..
you have to remember your life is too great just to be dumped by love..
yes,we need love..
but we have to differentiate it whether it’s good or bad..
think maturedly ok..
nice blogs
Knowing Yud He Waw He, our creator and His one only son that has the words of eternal life, Yehoshua HaMashiah, Whom He wants us to rule, reign and sit with Him in His throne which is our eternal destiny of our soul. HallejuYah, Amen..!
Yahweh speed…
nice story n it’s happen to me now… feels hurt so sad… God help me 2 get thru this
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no coment…
Be strong men, no body prefect….believe…alll things will be gone…find another love.. trust me..you will find it !..God bless you.
Hi! I was captivate by your blog , It’s emotionally written and makes me feel what you feel when you are writing this…It is hard to move along and maintain a relationship because of so many differences of each individuals involve; I myself is so lost in terms of how to maintain and bare all the circumstances that relationship brings. It is sometimes happens that were stuck to one person because of so many reasons and so many things to consider about. But it’s not a hindrance for you to move on and let go….. It’s all a matter of choice…. Be well and GOD SPEED.
The things that are happening to you are part of life’s cycle. just be strong and understand the signs around u.
always remember man life is not ferfect… go on for ur life God dont give that kind of trials if he knows you cant passed it……….. life is full of surprises……… gud luck
I really like the last part, Lauryn Hill - Ex Factor …. “Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars”, understand what you mean, and what you go throught. Been there, done that. Hang in there Buddy! Love is battlefield! - Cheers -
hmm try 2 move on
There is time and purpose for everything. Seek and ask God to unveil His plans for your life. And entrust our unknown future to our All-knowing God.
Remember, L-O-V-E never fails!
though we’re trying sohard to make things perfect oratleast close to perfection,always, somethings always there to make it hard for us to do so.. and love is one of ‘em..
well it is said that ‘love moves in mysterious ways’ well thats the explanation of the phrase….if you really cherish the love, you’d prefer to lose something than to lose everything…..patience
you know life is wide as the ocean my dear stop waisting your time life is too short to waste your time on the wrong person… thats how we love we forget the bad part. but if that love in which you think it is aint bringin out the best of you and doesnt make you feel better then it is not..
hi happy holidays…. really is true???, if thats the case find somebody else, a better one, in every human there is sumbody who belong to you, dont look for it, it will come alone one of this day. cheer up, its a beautiful world, keep smiling and pray,. ask him to guide you always, touch your heart to release the pain. good luck
hmmm
Hm i like your pict
wow kalog2 sd n tawhana da!
kalog2 na xa!
your plight is no difference with mine, perhaps i could say that mine is far more complicated. With all this things that is going on around us, it is really difficult to just lie on what you feel. Yes, its no ordinary feeling, its hard, its soul-breaking, you felt that you are losing your sanity, but if you just think about it, “what was there to keep?” is the relationship even worth keeping?, is he worth fighting for? Does he even know that you are this miserable? and does he show and share your woes too? A friend of mine told me as i went thru various ways of rebellion too, you should think about the happy memories and not subside yourself in a more deeper tomb of loneliness. Losing can be such a painful process, but think of it in this way..”when HE takes something from you, HE surely have something more perfect to offer.” Cheer up sister! Life is life, you’ll never really feel how to be a human if you dont experience to ride a bumpy journey
sometimes we forgot that we are human..have weaknesses..but the most beautiful things is…there are people…few people understand what we are going too….right now i am experiencing same thing…still coping in a trauma that hunting me since 2005…i thought everything is perfect…in the right place…but one day when i woke up…i am been sabotage of the sort fall of my own strength….crying out loud
..never heard of anybody…i am murdered brutally of my own dreams….lying…killed with out mercy….but then somebody caLLED 911…AND NOW IM STILL RECOVERING…HANGING…FIGHTING FOR DYING….STILL BREATHING…