Bra1n-w@shed

My life is literally a box now. A
beautiful box made of scrap paper and stitches all over, inside there are a
fragile heart struggling to reach out for precious air. My useless days of unemployment
is filled with fake pleasures, luckily sweet Lord still granted me a working
mind creating writings;  that is my lost
paradise running from reality. With my psychotic-trusted boyfriend, I tried to understand
the very essence of life, relationship, love, friends even faith I had once.

The valley of shadows is now my
path, with a glimpse of light I attempt to see the couple of feet of my
journey. There is nothing but hollow space beside me and wide open space up
above my head. Searching of that wonderful rain of hope to wet my lungs and
soul from the harsh biting reality. Is it reality that scary? Wasn’t I once
said reality has its own middle finger? What happen to bravery? What happen to
wit? I just stand here stoned waiting myself to drown among the entire question
filling my little head.

I raise my head; my eyes were
strong staring at the monster of modern days. I cannot lie my heart are little frightened
with the jaw of loneliness, imagining myself chewed into bits with left out
missing pieces here and there. But there was a wise man saying not to be a
coward with being lonely, it’s not the finish line; because in the end the only
one that we can rely on is ourselves. I know that of course, but why I cannot
believe it? I’m just a fraud David in front of mighty Goliath, beat up by the
Delilah of my Samsonism.

Now I stand and sit on the top
floor from where I lived, I can see the little kids are playing on the deserted
field. I can see their smiling faces, I can hear they laugh freely, I can sense
their ‘childhoodness’ from up here. I wish I had a Dementor’s power that can
suck out their happiness and keep it for myself. I’ve got my heart in my hands now;
I’ve been searching for my wings sometime. No, I cannot runaway again, how far
can my breath take me? It won’t be long am sure.

I must be able to control my
emotions from overpowering me. They were all illusion and a temporary feeling
like a snow in a hot dessert. Keep telling myself that I am a well developed
human being that is in process of learning. I must take my lesson and finish
them, not leaving the classroom like a preschool kid before it ends. I can face
my monster with the help of people that kept on remind me of lesson I once
forget in time. Relationship, love, friends and faith will be my acquaintances
in the future, as long my logic playing part without delusion of instant better
days.

My crippled
heart is now ready to fight again.