Again, a human child is picking
up pieces of his tormented heart. Down in a city of full gold lights and
individualism, he sat down alone wondering if anybody felt what he felt now.
Sickened by the hours ticking and the time of waiting his whole life he wonders
alone. Why does a heart that is so fragile, that is soft yet strong that is
supposed to be the same weight, the same red and flowing blood through every
tiny canals is so hurt in his body? A question that could never be tame by any
scholar or any professor in this smart world nowadays.
We are being told that no matter how much pain the truth
brought, the truth speaking itself are most valuable. I just realize that I
cannot live for what I am speaking now. It does hurt so much it’s just making a
war between sweet memories I have lived once. That’s why I don’t like to deal
with feelings at the very beginning. 
Giving chance to it was the first mistake
I make followed by illusory solace from time to time, trying to cover the lies
up. No, we cannot swathe lies with another lies.
Dim as the light night gave us,
sour as the speaking words of a wise man, sweet as the moonlight shining
beneath our empty heads. I can see what I was and what I will become in one
glance truth told me in my journey through life. How can I trusted when trust
never giving me chance to trust it? I told myself not to give up this fight,
but I’m just dead tired doing things that giving me nothing but wounds and unseen
scars. I’m merely human and flesh is weak. I wanted to believe that I would win
the war in my head that I did not understand.
I used to pray to what I believed
in, a faith that never loses its spirit until the sun has set down on me.
Leaving me as a broken man with broken promises and an empty glass in my hand. I
miss the dark lonely person I left in the corner; he’s waiting for a hand to
call his name back: “Rainer…Rainer…” Sounding of the sweet caressing voice are
fainted behind the closing gates of treason. How much more can I sat down here
and waiting, where nobody gives what I gives or love the way I love them. The
world is quiet, he never answered back to the whispering I spoken soft into his
ears.
People are like strangers now;
they have the same eyes but see different sights. I used t smell the morning
flower breeze when I was a young kid. The rain just stop outside my room window
pane and I can still scent of the water left on the air around me. It was
paradise of my own and everything was simple those days; only I being
truthfully-unknown-blessed. Far away long ago, things my heart used know now
are all being replaced by numb emotion that are shattered all over the place.
No reason to build again, no laughter to share again, no sadness to wipe no
more. I’m just tired and wanted to rest.
I wanted to believe
Bodies swinging from trees
Struggling to stand
With your head in your hands
Johnette Napolitano - Suicide Note
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