My life is more than I could ever
ask for. Filled with dreams, hope and strong believe of a better tomorrow. But
there are times I’m a prisoner of my own feelings and captivated by one single
moment I cannot escape from. I’m just one man with nothing I never showed you
or the world. A man with all his feelings in his hands, eyes looking for
something much more and love up way above. The storm has hit this man and he’s
going down.
I miss my mom and dad. Never known
them for the whole life I’m living is a torturin
g mystery to somebody as brittle
as me. Not trying to make it sound dramatic, but I miss the things I even never
felt before. To have a dinner together, somebody to take my school report,
someone to support me from the front row of my tennis competition, putting up Christmas
ornaments even though it looks like a mess or at least having a family picture
together.
I’m not talking about chasing the
past like a mad man or looking back and weep. Sometimes where I came from is
not important for me; I’d rather straighten my vision and focus of what in front
of me. The past giving me nothing but a ground to stand on, so why can’t we
make that ground ourselves now? A good friend of mine, Danny he said “life is
about options and what we choose.” So starts choose what’s right for you NOW,
believe in it and make that life living for you.
I was kept alive among people who
never taught me about life and how should I walk on it. No love education is
given to that young cub long back then. No wise words or advice on how to deal
with emotions as I grew older; just essentially kept alive and develop into a
soulless mind. It’s kinda sad really when I think about it on how unsupportive
this “family” is.
They won’t let me nurture my
talent within, I love art and none of them are on my back when I was entering
art festival or sport championships. She wouldn’t let me having friends and
always kept blocking my social life in an awkward manner with meaningless
excuse. She judges me without knowing who is the person of what she’s accusing with,
an actual example of judging-a-book-by-its-cover-person. She never know which
school I’m entering, who’s my teacher, what major I’m taking in college
especially the problem I’m facing and fighting by myself.
But I never kept any grudge; my
heart cannot take another heart ache. God has given me with such a flexible
heart but for this one, I’m nothing more but an ordinary human being. I’m numb plus
I’m tired, so I choose to erase and rewind. Its hurt so bad and you didn’t even
realize you are the caused all I want is to go to the time where there was no
pain: juste avant toi. I’m much more mature and wise to brave enough to admit
that deep inside I’m just a kid missing his parents love, a family that never
come true on every Christmas wishing. I’m grieving for a very long time.
I guess it’s too late now to grab
what we lost in the past and all I want now is making a new start with me. As God
is my witness, this person in the mirror will become someone in the future with
no regrets of his past. He will walk that road of New York in his flashy suits
and glamorous boots made only by-request-ordering from maestro designers of the
world. What I do know now, I could never forget who I am and the people who keep
completing my puzzle along the way. The sweet, the bitter, the joy and the
pain; it’s a part of me.
Sometimes
people who are closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most.
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