Bra1n-w@shed

It’s 11:01 pm, just precisely fifty-nine minutes away from October 10^th and I’m here sitting in my room with  the light turn down low and accompanied by my old friend, Hairy Scary. He’s a dark stuffed gorilla I got from the flea market in Australia years back. He’s been with me since then and he’s a good listener too.

I have nothing to say here. Just simply hearing my thoughts from the day I try to avoid. With Tom Waits playing on my notebook, singing You’re Innocent When You’re Dream. I got that song from Paul Agusta, a good friend of mine; he’s a movie director and a man with broad view in art especially about films and music. We happen to have the same taste in music, we like that satyr-dark-gloomy kind of music.

My mind trying to swim back to the last 8 years back, where I was totally different from whom I am now. I mean lots of things life has taught me. My mind and body have been experiencing a lot. My heart has been break into parts I can’t even pick it up again. People come and people go. Just like a sponge I’m absorbing those valuable lessons and have become someone much more mature, sadly in a bitter way.

Have you ever think that all of the people in your life will never, ever stay forever? They will leave you as soon they had done play their part in your life and you learned something from them. The bad, the good even things you thought ridiculous to you, it’s actually supposed to happen on purpose. They leave you in so many different ways; some are not as good ending as you want it to be. But it’s true, because I experienced it for myself.

Now that I’m turning twenty-five, facing the facts that I have failed to fulfill my dream since I was ten-years-old. The dream of becoming somebody and have a great life in New York City has vanished in time just like that. I learn my lesson as I see my failure, that not everything I wanted to be supposed to happen. My perfectionism is tested and sees how I can handle disappointment, especially when it comes from me.

The bar I set is was not too high, but life doesn’t want it to happen now. Yes, it’s about time. The now is equal to ego and desire of our own. When we understand and sometimes forgot that we never have control over time. The human in us playing too much part in managing the universe. We eventually will get what we wanted, but sometimes it happens in different moment for everybody.

So here I am, ready or not, I must take the result that I didn’t get what I want in my own time. I always believe something bigger and better waiting for me in other time. Taming my anger for being disappointed by my own ego is so hard but it’s just another lesson I must learn. Thus, I always wish that I could have a real family with my own mom and dad, wherever you guys are. That’s my only wish this year.