I used to have a beautiful home when I was a kid. Small but descent. It 
has a small pond in the backyard, full of trees and orchids as my mom love them so much. It’s a one story house, with a small porch and simple front yard. We sold it 14 years ago before heading to Australia, me and my mom. I loved her so much when we own that house. I used to ask her if she loves me too, everytime. And she answered in a most warm and honest way that she does. I thought those moment and place are just merely a dream in my lonely nights at the present.
Like a gorge I must jump across to proof that those memories of my childhood are still there. The days are sometimes very prickly for me to step on. Lesser and lesser people I could trust. Role model is almost impossible to find these days. People who you thought you can trust are just wolf in sheep clothing. Those who are the most closest to you are actually people you must get away from. They stab you so slow and deep that you can’t pull back.
I understand that as a human grown with so many perils he can truly develop into a higher state of mind. But sometimes is just hard. When we are feeling merely a human made of flesh and loneliness. Why is the question I can’t break into an answer. All I need is someone sincere with his feelings and honest to understand both of us. Maybe I’m placing my wall a bit too high. That’s just because I try to protect a heart that is not whole anymore.
This feeling is way too late for me to feel again. I try to hide under my loads of work and so-called-social life but the cracks seemed getting bigger. The hurt is just slipping in sometimes. No matter who you are, what you are, where you come from, how big your lies is, the true mask of truth will reveal in time. It’s as if I could surgeon them open with my bare hand to see who they really are. Strip them down to the bones and see if I can find someone in there.
Peace.
Surrounds.
Reflectance.
And I can see is lies and nothing else.
The island is quiet empty localized in which I’m staying now, Ubud Bali. The resort is like a desert of noise in this peace hour. Where only I can hear the river running not far from my villa. I’m staying at Four Seasons Sayan Bali until this weekend for business trip. Just finished my last meeting about an hour ago. I took a nice warm bath and calling people that I..well, kinda missed. With my full of thoughts and an empty heart I try to scratch my name in time with these words.
I can see people wear their mask lately in a much more intensive way. I don’t know are they doing that in the name of shame, guilt or just pretense? Each of us is like a rabbit finding a hole to hide in, when the coast is quite safe we crawl back up. To die or not to die is overrated. Nowadays I believe dignity is bigger than faith, bigger than love, bigger than god. Don’t blame me, I’m just the observer. You are the player in this game so raise your hand and stand up.
Why is the next question. People trying to prove something in the community that actually already exists and doesn’t need a bold marker anymore to prove the point. Trying to prove that they are here, in the world, actually living the nothing life into the something of living. They trying to be rich, they trying to be popular, they trying to fit in something that doesn’t exist and doesn’t belong. I never said it is wrong of what they are doing, but why? Has life has become too simple that we trying to find something much more complex to make us look ‘sophisticated’? that’s bull.
Don’t we all realize that we are losing something that is basic and much smaller than the universe? Much smaller than money, much smaller than dignity, much simpler than simplicity? People that we called friends. They are the connection of what makes life full of vibrant and happy distortion. A portion in which we are all taking part in the big lane in the end. The funny thing is we just don’t realize it yet.
I’m stuck at the airport. My flight was actually scheduled for 1.10pm from Jakarta heading to Bali. But my mom is sick and she’s been hospitalized for more than a week for heart failure. Earlier this morning I had to take her out from the hospital since my aunt take care of her other sick sister. Yeah, illness is their best friend lately. The administration at the hospital was suck bad time. Took me nearly 3 hours to get things done and that makes me late to catch my flight.
My boss and my other colleague already boarding and take the 1.10pm Garuda flight while I was late and had to take next flight schedule that is 3.10pm. well, call me this isn’t my lucky day because the flight was delayed for more than an hour. All they can say are apology and sorry. What the fuck? What about me when I ask them to let me in when I was doing my check in at 1pm before? Shit.
I immediately call my boss but she already on the plane, her mobile phone is off. So I send her text message hoping when she arrived in Bali she’ll read it. I said sorry for ruining our business trip schedule. If we are on the correct plan earlier, we arrived at Pitamaha resort about 5 and dinner with the PR on 6.30pm. But things change. Mostly because of me and my crappy time management [and force majeure]. I was hoping their plane delayed so I can catch up, then again, it’s just not my luck.
So here I am, in the boarding lounge with other pissed passenger cursing the cursed Garuda management with their curses. i start to imagine the air in where I’m sitting now are filled with black and grey smokes coming from anger passengers. As if I can hear their thoughts of disappointments and broken hopes on what they are already planning earlier. People start getting busy with their nonsense readings, website-less notebook and silly chit chat with the other passenger sitting next to them.
Disappointment has been man best friend for a long time. Between their empty lives and brick houses they somehow place hope in the cracks. When those small precious hopes are torn and left unformed to a concrete outline they get disappointed. A simple analyze from my small head seemed deranged when you hit it with stone of reality. And when that layer of disappointments has become a wall so high it covers your sense to other and some stopping life becoming something what you used to adore.
“In starlight you come from the other side, to offer me mercy. Mercy, mercy”, Antony Hegard sang his tune through my iPod. Kinda true I guess when most of us are trying to look for something that can actually sooth our bruises. The scratches we get from placing our hopes to someone we thought is the one. Or maybe just hoping they’ll be there in the hard times. But they are all just another disappointments in our pages.
I see so many people turned me down lately. Even people that I once knew as a ‘friend’. I always try to break that statement “everybody lies” but I just can’t because it’s so true. When they even dare to say I love you as if that word is on sale nowadays. How can I believe that? Am I a 5 year old kid that just learning to step into the world?? Amron asked me whether I put my standard to high or I make love sounds overrated. I don’t think so, it’s just sincerity is way too expensive for me to buy from people these days. All I need is feel affection for with no drama. Is it too much to ask?
I haven’t written anything for quite a long time. Not because there’s nothing happen in my life. Many people come in and go in my door step. Stories I have been through. The sad book, the joy adventure and lonely romantic journey. My body surrenders to the situation where I accepted that I can’t control everything. My mind tries to fight but in the end it just flows with the rhythm life has prepared for me.
People grief on the contrary, singing meadow of the night in the feeling of greatness. I told myself to never let go of that secure feeling I have since long ago. Not even when somebody trying to dig cracks in my wall of defense. He may get through me but never have me whole. I am belonging to my shadow and my shadow only. Everybody lies they said, everybody have their own secrets they said and I have mine too.
The world can break me like crystal on a hard concrete road in the middle of nowhere; I will never be found. God pick up my pieces as He picked up my shattered faith. It’s raining crucifix and angels now. They fall right between my eyes and show me the only truth the world ever known. They are inside me filling my emptiness with realism and ropes from the thread you made for me.
My days are fine like a sailor on a sunny day out far on the horizon of watery world. Seagulls lead me to my sanctuary. Wisdom words are my prayers, strength is my belief. Like the old wise king in his golden days. I’m calm like the water itself carries so many peacefulness inside it and all the drifting dreams it has. Creatures swimming inside my skin building castles of commiseration, deep underground.
Shame to myself who’s been letting my guard down and let myself in the maze of my own super-dramatic life line. I let myself drifted to the sound of my own amusement which leads to nothingness. In the result of my own disappointment I cried for help. Dripping melody of my sanctuary let’s dance to this tune of oddness that each of us has creates to satisfy our solitary lives.
But then I realize that this just had to stop. My mind is one and I’m the captain of this boat. I can’t keep jumping ship just to feed my ego and lust. I’m about to finish on this dramatizing every events and start to pull my head out from the dirt. Looking to the great big horizon where I see copies of myself lining up in an army of me. Ready to defend and replace me whenever I go start destroying myself on the folktales about ‘love’.
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