Archive Page 2

15
Oct

Like Me

It’s another hot sunny Wednesday in Jakarta. I mean hot hot.

The piano’s playing soft tunes on the speaker inside Starbucks I’m sitting in. People chat away with their peers, some talking about business stuff, one couple just throwing eye-look to each other with silence smile and some other just enjoying the free air conditioner and Wi-Fi, like me.

Well, actually I just finished one meeting with a client. He’s a friend’s friend of mine who happen to open a wine lounge in South Jakarta. I like this guy I meet with. A big round cheeky smile flourish his face, likes the world doesn’t have a problem at all. We talked about business for like half an hour then continue gibberish with our personal matters. What a fun guy to talk with.

Then he left when his woman friend picks him up. I know it’s not his spouse or significant other because he’s gay. Like me. The wind touches my back as I felt the heat wave passes. I grabbed my backpack and moved in. The only reason I was sitting outside was because the client is a smoker and we can’t smoke inside Starbucks. And as a passive smoker, we always get indirect lung cancer with no further complain. Like me.

People still busy with their matters while as if they don’t notice I’m here, typing some nonsense in my notebook. The music has change to this chill jazzy tune with sound of clarinet hypnotizing my mind away from this place. A mind full of spirit as in my third day in my new job in an advertising magazine is really boosted up my days. Just like me and every people in the world, looking for money is one of the famous hobbies besides jerking themselves silly.

It’s just a normal day in one of the wicked city in Indonesia. I still sat here thinking a million things at once while my thoughts can’t process them all. I got my book beside me, Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom, which was a gift for my birthday from Juan. Just like me, I think people wants peace of their own in one of those (very) sunny days. And I’m happy that I have it.

09
Oct

Twenty-something

It’s 11:01 pm, just precisely fifty-nine minutes away from October 10th and I’m here sitting in my room with  the light turn down low and accompanied by my old friend, Hairy Scary. He’s a dark stuffed gorilla I got from the flea market in Australia years back. He’s been with me since then and he’s a good listener too.

I have nothing to say here. Just simply hearing my thoughts from the day I try to avoid. With Tom Waits playing on my notebook, singing You’re Innocent When You’re Dream. I got that song from Paul Agusta, a good friend of mine; he’s a movie director and a man with broad view in art especially about films and music. We happen to have the same taste in music, we like that satyr-dark-gloomy kind of music.

My mind trying to swim back to the last 8 years back, where I was totally different from whom I am now. I mean lots of things life has taught me. My mind and body have been experiencing a lot. My heart has been break into parts I can’t even pick it up again. People come and people go. Just like a sponge I’m absorbing those valuable lessons and have become someone much more mature, sadly in a bitter way.

Have you ever think that all of the people in your life will never, ever stay forever? They will leave you as soon they had done play their part in your life and you learned something from them. The bad, the good even things you thought ridiculous to you, it’s actually supposed to happen on purpose. They leave you in so many different ways; some are not as good ending as you want it to be. But it’s true, because I experienced it for myself.

Now that I’m turning twenty-five, facing the facts that I have failed to fulfill my dream since I was ten-years-old. The dream of becoming somebody and have a great life in New York City has vanished in time just like that. I learn my lesson as I see my failure, that not everything I wanted to be supposed to happen. My perfectionism is tested and sees how I can handle disappointment, especially when it comes from me.

The bar I set is was not too high, but life doesn’t want it to happen now. Yes, it’s about time. The now is equal to ego and desire of our own. When we understand and sometimes forgot that we never have control over time. The human in us playing too much part in managing the universe. We eventually will get what we wanted, but sometimes it happens in different moment for everybody.

So here I am, ready or not, I must take the result that I didn’t get what I want in my own time. I always believe something bigger and better waiting for me in other time. Taming my anger for being disappointed by my own ego is so hard but it’s just another lesson I must learn. Thus, I always wish that I could have a real family with my own mom and dad, wherever you guys are. That’s my only wish this year.

SMS to The Lord:
God, thank You for giving me so many friends in my life,
people that truly cares ‘bout me.
Thank You for the ups and down in my life, that I learn my lessons,
knowing I gain more strength in life.
Thank You for Your blessing that I still live to see Your wonders and feel Your blessings.
Thank You that for I know for sure, I will always be loved by You my sweet Lord.
And that’s all that matters.
05
Oct

If Came the Hour, If Came the Day

I open my old journals that I wrote since I was nine-years-old. It wrote every single journey of my life as a happy child that I once thought only a dream. Everything back then was beautiful and golden. My relationship with my mother was going well. But as time goes by and changes started to kicks in, those dreams are vanished like my ray of light dimmed by the strength of the mighty shadows.

My past life is just the same yours, well maybe not much the same just ordinary to some people. Going to school, being told what I must do, having friends, starting to get curious about my sexual orientation and so on. But most of those days are religiously-logic and damn it, I was happy. Even though not everything I wanted in my life is what I always get.

Seemed to me if I re-collected pieces of my memory back then, everything I want is a struggle in life. I lived with my mom and my cousin sister until she left for evangelist school. My mother is a person who’s not really into her adopted son’s life and feelings, well let just say no such thing as “how you doing today son?” or “do you have a problem with your life son?”. She’s a great woman though, raising one bare child alone since she never married since the day she adopted me.

I have many friends in our neighborhood, spending the whole afternoon play together when school’s off. Discovering places we never been to, climbing and picking rose-apple fruits, fights and laugh together. Until one by one some of us have to leave, either studying abroad, living in another island, or just moving to another part of the city. It was good times and not a single moment is ruined as time getting older.

Then I started to think what my life going to be in the next fifteen years and there I made my plan for myself. I want something I could be proud of as I get older and look back to see how far I have become. When I’m turning twenty-five I must live in New York City and have a great career with a good life. Living in a simple-modern apartment, with one white Siberian husky, with a view to Manhattan and Governor island from my window [or at least what's my GPS said].

Down the street is my black Ford 4×4 that me and my partner just clean up last weekend. The sun hit our cozy apartment just so perfect, while in our sound system I played Björk - Hyperballad of her last concert in Radio City Hall. In weekdays I’m working as owner of an art gallery downtown, dealing with curators and premium-class collectors from Europe and Japan. That’s my plan exactly.

Back to reality with no mercy at all its cut my wings to pieces. Down I go and as I open my eyes, here I am in precisely four more days I’m officially have wasted twenty-five years of my life and achieve nothing. Stuck in Jakarta with a career that goes to nothing. Still living with four of my aunts and mom; in a tiny room with only less than ten dollars in my hand. I got debts to clear and endless bills to pay.

A thought just ran in my head as I filled the gas tank in my motor bike. Maybe the Lord has some other plan for me. Well to think of, all these times I always make plans for myself. Maybe, just maybe in my small perfectionism lays a great arrogance. And why something precious in me are being taken away from me to teach me a lesson that not everything I want must happen. Patience is a virtue and what makes it hard to swallow is, it is true.

But I still cannot hide how disappoint I am to myself and maybe a bit to Him. Is it wrong for a man to have a dream of being happy and change his life after spending all his life in a gutter? I was not and never raised in a rich family that I have to work my ass off just to get what I need, not what I want. And at least life could give this man a break that in his twenty-five years living that way, that man could enjoy living his dream since he was merely a kid in a small neighborhood.

And then I looked into myself and say it’s not God’s fault and never was. Maybe I just haven’t doing the right thing and not work hard enough to fulfill my dreams. Who else can change his destiny except himself? The only thing that kept me insane is my never-giving-up -attitude. Sometimes the sweet Lord sent His angels to keep reminding me not to give up and that has become strength in me to passes days of my life.

One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy
I have been running so sweaty my whole life urgent for a finish line
I have been missing the rapture this whole time, of being forever incomplete
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.
Alanis Morissette - Incomplete
01
Oct

Swalowing Shadows

Beyond the glance of my eyes, I could see a distant world where I am lost in the swirling sea. A dimension of love and illusion. Lonesomeness no one can explain nor can any advice take away the sadness away. I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore yet I’m killing myself to find myself a savior of my passion where I rest my soul in the finish line. I don’t want to fell in love with a dead boy or turned myself into a starfish that’s being cut over and over again.

My kindred spirit could wait in time of salvation where finally I found my peace. An eternalness of ever being to be with someone until time finally stops. But all I found is just lust and no love, is this what the world about nowadays? Flesh seeking for flesh, a delusion of wreckage in front before finally dust meets dust. Sorority of two hearts are so hard to find, maybe I just stop trying and be happy about my lonesomeness.

I talked with me today and he promised to stay with me until the end. No matter what the world changes into, he promised me he won’t change. People broken promises, but not him. People hurt other people, but not him. He protects me from the world, like a cocoon it surrounded me comfortably. We belong as one, he is me and I am him. No one could understand us, only us and there’s just us.

Clocks always ticking on me, like a smooth sea of pearls we clones each other until nothing left from the blue print. Nails on each back clutching to the beat every heart make and silenced it into the black dawn. Crying, flowing majestically upon gates of golden arrows soaring wildly in their heads like shadows speaking to me in my sleep. Blue fingers are taking my sight and placed it back in the tunnels of crystal and smile wisely as he turned his back to the world.

30
Sep

Ticking Birthday

It’s almost here. The day I dreaded is almost here.

My empty jar has not filled yet, a symphony of unfulfilled dreams that I dreamt for 10 long years. Since I was merely a soul I’m making a pledge to myself that I will live in NYC in my 25th birthday. And that day is just 10 days left and I’m standing here like a big loser in the door of disappointment.

New York City, a dream of a young boy somewhere in another part of the world without having any knowledge of the Big Apple himself. I never been there, doesn’t know anyone there but dare to take my dream as far as my mind could take me. People have told me so many stories relating to that particular city, where the people never sleeps, where the traffic is making your head explode in anger, where money is the most thing that matter and needed there, where your blood and sweat combine together to just live in that city.


All of my life I’m trying to make it simple, something I could hold on and running to. In my life there are only 3 places that most matter to me: NYC, Europe and Africa. I want to work my ass off in NYC, when my ambition fighting for place between my ego. As time goes by, youth no longer in my dictionary I dare to cross the land towards Europe. Visit Greece, Milan, Paris, Venice and Berlin just to enjoy my work and continue maintaining my business relation everywhere.


And the last resort of my tired old soul, Africa is my sanctuary. Where earth still untouched by the thickness of asphalt, where trees and mountains never changes into building and parking lot. I could hear the animals’ passes by the gate of my humble residence in the land of Africa. Goes fishing or croc hunting by the weekend is just a bit of paradise for me. In there I will surrender my heart beat and died peacefully whenever my time comes, coz I’m ready.


But before my mind wonder much further, I need to make a ground for my first place: NYC which I haven’t fulfilled yet. Such a disappointment for me, no one to blame but myself. I have work in every way to get myself to that city and nothing succeeded. Sometimes it just became a fairytale in a mist I could never have. Thus, I never lose hope and always believe in myself. Time might change, plan could alter, but the process is always as important as the result.

they follow me to my bed

they follow me to my sleep

they follow me to my grave

and if you let me die in peace

i will never haunt you away

my shadow will

Tika - Saddest Farewell

18
Sep

3 Tipe Homoseksual & Lesbian

Homoseksual dapat didefinisikan sebagai suatu keinginan membina hubungan romantis atau hasrat seksual dengan sesama jenis, jika sesama pria dinamakan gay sedangkan sesama wanita sebut saja lesbian.


Sebenarnya pengertian homoseksual itu meliputi 3 dimensi yaitu orientasi seksualnya yang ke sesama jenis, perilaku seksual dan juga tentang identitas seksualitas diri. Jadi masalah homoseksual bukan semata perkara hubungan seksual dengan sesama jenis semata.


Hal inilah yang seringkali membuat kita merasa najis dengan kaum homoseksual, karena berpikiran bahwa di dalam otak mereka hanya berisikan semata nafsu birahi dengan sesama jenis saja, padahal homoseksualitas itu mencangkup identitas diri sekaligus perilaku mereka juga.


Itu semua bukan dapatan semata dari faktor lingkungan, melainkan faktor genetik-lah yang membuat perkara ini menjadi sangat sulit.



Memang ada jenis homoseksual yang terjadi karena dipicu faktor lingkungan semata, misalnya suasana dalam penjara yang merupakan populasi homogen serta di biara seperti skandal sodomi dalam gereja di USA. Homoseksual semacam ini sesungguhnya jauh lebih muda ditangani karena hal tersebut tercangkup dalam segi perilaku semata, sementara segi identitas diri relatif masih normal (homoseksual situasional).



Dalam ilmu psikiatri, homoseksual yang dianggap sebagai suatu bentuk gangguan jiwa hanyalah homoseksual egodistonik. Homoseksual jenis ini bercirikan pribadi tersebut yang merasa tidak nyaman dengan dirinya dan tidak dapat menerima kenyataan orientasi seksualnya yang abnormal tersebut.


Akibatnya pribadi semacam ini dihantui kecemasan dan konflik psikis baik internal maupun eksternal dirinya. Homoseksual distonik memberikan suatu distress (ketegangan psikis) dan disability (hendaya, gangguan produktivitas sosial) sehingga digolongkan sebagai suatu bentuk gangguan jiwa.



Pribadi homoseksual tipe ini seringkali dekat depresi berat, akibatnya seringkali mereka mengucilkan diri dari pergaulan, pendiam, mudah marah dan dendam, aktivitas kuliah terbengkalai dan sebagainya. Homoseksual jenis inilah yang dicap sakit mentalnya dan memang harus diterapi. Di negara dengan budaya dan agama yang kuat seperti di negara kita, celakanya homoseksual jenis inilah yang mendominasi.



Kaum homoseksual di tanah air sulit untuk menerima kenyataan dirinya sebagai kaum abnormal seperti demikian, maka mereka sering menyembunyikan orientasi yang dicap salah dalam masyarakat tersebut. Represi semacam demikian akan berakibat gejolak negatif dalam dirinya sehingga tampil ke permukaan sebagai stress,depresi dan gangguan dalam relasi sosial. Mereka sering gagal dalam menemukan identitas dirinya ditengah ancaman cambuk agama dan budaya yang sedemikian kuat.



Kaum homoseksual lain justru dapat menerima apa yang ada di dirinya sebagai suatu bentuk hal yang hakiki. Pribadi semacam ini berani coming out atau menyatakan identitas dirinya yang sesungguhnya sehingga konflik internal dalam dirinya lepas. Kaum homoseksual ini dinamakan egosintonik, tidak dikatakan sebagai kelompok gangguan jiwa karena mereka tidak mengalami distress amupun disability dalam kehidupan mereka. Bahkan mereka yang sukses dengan coming out seperti demikian seringkali lebih produktif dan sukses dalam profesi mereka seperti misalnya perancang baju, penata rias dan rambut,dll.



Menjadi seorang dengan orientasi seksual ke sesama jenis sesungguhnya bukan semata pilihan pribadi homoseksual, melainkan itu merupakan kesalahan genetik. Kecenderungan itu sesungguhnya sudah ada sejak lahir namun baru naik ke permukaan setelah seorang individu masuk ke dalam fase sosial dalam tahap perkembangannya.



Bahkan seorang Sigmund Freud berani mengatakan bahwa pada setiap diri kita sebenarnya ada bakat untuk homoseksual, dan proses interaksi sosial dalam perkembangan selanjutnyalah yang menyebabkan bakat itu dapat muncul atau tertahankan.



Permasalahan jiwa pada pribadi homoseksual sebenarnya jauh lebih banyak terkait faktor eksternal dirinya atau berupa tekanan dari masyarakat. Mereka yang tidak berani coming out ke masyarakat akan dihantui konflik identitas diri seumur hidupnya sedangakn mereka yang memberanikan coming out tetap menghadapi resiko dicibir atau malah dikucilkan masyarakat.Jadi sebenarnya homoseksual itu lebih berupa ‘penyakit masyarakat’ ketimbang penyakit jiwa karena memang yang menimbulkan penyakit itu adalah perlakuan dari masyarakat sendiri.

Kaum homoseksual di Indonesia jumlahnya tidak sedikit, mereka ada di sekitar kita namun seringkali kita memang tidak tahu karena umumnya mereka termasuk yang memilih untuk non coming out karena takut akan ancaman sosial-agama dari masyarakat.



Sebagai catatan dari suatu survey dari Yayasan Priangan beberapa tahun yang lalu menyebutkan bahwa ada 21% pelajar SMP dan 35% SMU yang pernah terlibat dalam perilaku homoseksual. Data lain menyebutkan kaum homoseksual di tanah air memiliki sekitar 221 tempat pertemuan di 53 kota kota di Indonesia. Hal di atas menggambarkan bahwa jumlah kaum homoseksual tidaklah sedikit.



Bagaimanapun kita sebagai pribadi yang terpelajar hendaknya mau mengerti latar belakang kaum homoseksual, tidak semata merasa jijik atau malah menolak mereka. Tentunya Anda tidak bisa mengucilkan teman Anda yang berambut ikal karena memang gen nya membawa sifat ikal seperti itu bukan?



Begitu pula homoseksual, bukan kemauan mereka untuk menjadi homoseksual, namun bedanya gen orientasi seksual semacam itu mencangkup pula segi perilaku sosial bukan semata penampilan fisik seperti halnya rambut ikal. Dukungan sosial justru sangat dibutuhkan oleh kaum homoseksual, dengan demikian mereka dapat menemukan dan mengaktualisasikan identitas dirinya serta terbebas dari distress, dengan demikian mereka dapat tetap produktif dalam masyarakat.



Homoseksual harus dibedakan dengan gangguan transeksual (banci). Transeksual masih termasuk dalam gangguan jiwa jenis preferensi seksual. Bedanya yang mudah diantara keduanya adalah bahwa kaum homoseksual tidak pernah ingin mengganti jenis kelaminnya (misal dengan operasi plastik), tidak pernah berhasrat mengenakan pakaian lawan jenis (melainkan kebanyakan gay berpenampilan macho dan necis).



Selain itu kaum transeksual terutama memiliki dorongan untuk menolak jenis kelaminnya, dan mengingini jenis kelamin lawan jenisnya. Jadi pengertian transeksual lebih ke arah penolakan akan identitas dirinya sebagai seorang pria atau wanita, bukan menekankan kepada orientasi seksual (keinginan dengan siapa berhubungan seksual / membina relasi romantis).


Oleh: Achmad Ridwan Sudirdjo C.Ht


07
Sep

Beternak Babi di Negeri Sendiri

Saya seorang warga sebuah negara yang permai, dimana gedung megah tumbuh subur bahkan dari bibit busuk dalam kubangan lumpur. Saya hanya warga sebuah negara yang cinta damai katanya, dimana pukulan merupakan cara berciuman dan makian kotor cara menunjukkan pelukan dalam balutan putih diatas tanah negara saya.

Sawah berganti parkiran, kerbau berganti mesin berjalan, ketika malam para kunang pun mati dalam lampu metropolitan berkilauan sejati. Namun satu hal yang tidak terganti dalam modernisasi di masa kini, kami masih punya sebuah perternakan sendiri yang dalamnya terdapat banyak babi.

Para babi itu ada yang gemuk, ada yang kurus, ada yang muda ada yang tua. Mereka pintar, mereka para intelejensia dengan bukti banyaknya gelar. Tapi mereka rakus bukan main, berebut makanan satu dengan yang lain. Kelompok gemuk, kelompok kurus, kelompok muda begitu pula dengan yang tua, semua sama rakusnya.

Jam makan mereka biasanya bertepatan dengan jam kami pergi bekerja, melebur tenaga dalam kantor delapan jam lamanya. Para babi itu terus dan terus makan, tiada habisnya hingga kami pun kewalahan. Kembali makan pada jam kepulangan kami ke rumah, diperempatan lampu merah, di belokan di berbagai arah, makan tanpa rasa bersalah.

Negara saya ini tentu saja memberi mereka makan sesuai jatah, tapi babi-babi itu tidak pernah puas inilah awal sebuah masalah. Dengan baju negara yang kami berikan, dengan kendaraan yang kami sumbangkan, semua babi itu hanya memikirkan caranya mendapat lebih makanan.

Saya dan warga negara lain sering ditipu oleh para babi itu, dengan kepicikan dan kekuasaan mereka menindas kami tanpa ragu. Meminta makan dengan berbagai alasan, mencari salah dari setiap warga yang lewat berjalan. “Damai saja”, kata seorang babi gemuk, “titip sidang saja”, kata babi lain yang lebih muda.

Saya warga sebuah negara yang beternak babi, semakin banyak jumlah mereka kini. Kadang bersembunyi di perempatan lampu merah, kadang bersembunyi dibalik tikungan jalanan megah, bersiap makan dari kami yang ragu bersalah. Apa daya para babi itu semakin gemuk saja yang dipelihara oleh ilusi sang gembala.

31
Aug

Ocean Of Human [The Black Sea]

Time has passes me way over froHumansm my own little step I took, each carefully thought but sometimes overlooked. Time is just not enough to make who I am now someone greater in my own future, never have I spoke about someone else before I can see my star grew brighter.

In the darkest hour of my fragility, tranquillized before my own doubts, I see what I will become from now and lead my heart in the clouds. People scare me, boys deceived me, and girls tricked me, none of that really pleased this petite soul that keep searching for the one.

You say to someone how much you love them, but in time you break that promise and leave them. In the mean time and blank spaces, the broken ones to feel to their places as the one who break that promises? Like a white circle in a dark paper full of dirt, a thin line drew upon nothingness clear as it may sound: it does hurt.

I don’t belong to the world and never were; I’m just a lonely soldier with one pure heart to protect. So when I’m ready to love again, I still have something left to give. The world is just a battle field, not with blood or sword but with glitters and words. Money is their armor and sex as their arrows.

Gold wings on my right, silver bullets on my other left. Faces I ever knew, lessons I ever learned, love I ever received, those are my only defense mechanism. As the Lord is my guide, and faith as my ammunition, I always believe I can fight myself and free the logos bold in definition.
Eyes

Walk with me and see the oceans of hands down under, open your eyes and ear and sound of cry you can only hear. Skin by skin they lived and soothed by one forlorn grin, in the corridor of unclean lays the spirit within. One day I will soar and close my eyes with nothing to fear, hold my hands now until forever my sweet dear.

30
Aug

100 Tahun Kematian Nasional

Bagian I: Kelurahan Diatas
Telapak Tangan

Pagi itu merupakan pagi seperti
pagi pada sebelumnya, membosankan namun penuh semangat, terik panas namun sejuk
dengan angin menerpa saya diatas motor ini. Rencana demi rencana mulai bergulir
didalam kepala, apa yang terlupa, semoga tidak ada.

Awalan rencana adalah ke
kelurahan setempat, salah satu tempat yang lumayan saya benci. Bau birokrasi,
uang suapan yang berenang kesana kemari, cih, muka mereka yang seperti tai.
Apa?? Berani memaki? Bikin saja blog sendiri!!

Dasar alasan saya mendatangi
salah satu tempat yang menurut saya busuk dan tak pantas menjadi wakil dari
nurani rakyat [red: warga] adalah karena saya lagi apes butuh surat keterangan
warga untuk keperluan bank. Nah disitu saya ditantang, kesabaran dan diperas
juga uang.

Setelah sekian lama menunggu,
saya mendatangi seorang dibalik meja kayu yang dari wajahnya siap dirayu namun
pastinya saya tak mau. “Maaf pak, saya mau minta surat keterangan dari Lurah.” Setelah
saya jelaskan dengan tegas, mulailah dia membuat gerah. “Wah, ga bisa ini!
Harus ada surat pengantar RT!”

Sekembalinya saya esok harinya,
setelah bantuan pak RT 06 yang baik hatinya dalam membuatkan surat pengantar
dan menolak uang imbalan. Mau tak mau saya harus kembali ke kelurahan, menemui
si pak kumis yang buncit dengan segan. Dia hari ini tetap masuk kantor Negara sebagai
pegawai Negeri tanpa seragam ataupun formal berpeci.

“Maaf pak, saya yang kemarin
ingin minta surat keterangan dari Lurah. Ini surat pengantarnya dari RT.” Dia
pun mengambil surat saya dengan segan dan sinisnya tatapan. “Wah, ga bisa ini!
Harus ada cap RW!” Dilemparnya surat saya seolah surat itu bukan hasil tenaga
dan perjuangan seorang warga. “Tapi pak, kemarin kenapa tidak sekalian bilang?
Saya kan harus bolak-balik pulang?”

Tidak ada jawaban ataupun
senyuman, hanya tatapan dalam kemalasan. Kemalasan seorang pegawai yang hidup
segan mati pun tak mempan. Rasa kesal mulai memuncak, tapi saya pergi sambil
berdecak: “Gembel.” Malam itu RW 008 buka kantor mulai jam delapan, setelah 20
menit sebuah cap RW dalam genggaman.

Pagi sekali saya kembali ke
Kelurahan sambil memegang secarik kertas yang berharga bagi saya, namun tidak
bagi semua. Si buncit itu muncul kembali, ini hari Jumat dan kali ini ia hanya
memakai kaos dengan sandal pada kedua kaki. “Pak, ini surat lengkap dengan cap
RT & RW.” Kemudian diambilnya kertas saya dan dibuat surat keterangan dan
ia pun berkata, “Sana, cari pak Lurah untuk tandatangan, lekas bergegas!”

Saya bingung, kenapa saya yang
harus mencari pak Lurah? Bukankah itu tugas mereka dan memangnya saya tau mana
yang Lurah? Tapi demi birokrasi yang tak pernah mati, saya pergi mencari Lurah
yang mana saya tak tau pasti. Sebuah pintu kaca dengan papan nama: ‘Sekretaris
Lurah 8 pagi-3 sore’ ditempel dan saya coba masuk dan bertambah jengkel. Masih
terkunci, apa isinya sudah mati? Saya tak tau pasti.

Saya menunggu seorang diri diluar,
duduk dibangku yang sudah jelek dan nampak beberapa orang sibuk keluar-masuk memegang
lembaran kertas bertuliskan Caleg. Jam di tangan menunjukkan pukul sembilan
lewat dan keluarlah dari pintu yang terkunci tadi seorang perempuan dan saya
datang mendekat.

“Maaf bu saya mau minta
tandatangan pak Lurah.” Tanpa diduga dia menepis surat yang saya sodorkan
sambil berkata, “Coba minta sama yang lain, saya ndak tahu.” dan diapun berlalu.
Di bajunya terpampang tanda pengenal: Surwati, Sekretaris Lurah. Apa dia hanya
tidur didalam sana atau hanya malas bekerjasama? Benar-benar bertambah
kekecewaan saya pada tempat yang seharusnya membantu para warganya.

Beruntung tidak diduga, berkat
tidak kemana. Seorang wanita caleg memberitahu bahwa pak Lurah ada ada dibawah,
langsung saya menuruni tangga dengan bahagiah [red: suka maksa dah!]. Akhirnya
pak Lurah pun saya temui dan nampaknya dia sedang bergosip sambil merokok di
ruangan dengan seorang berbaju hijau yang nampak seperti hansip.

Tandatangan saya pun dapatkan
untuk surat yang tak seberapa nilainya, bagi saya. Setelah itu saya pun kembali
ke lantai atas dan menemui sang petugas kelurahan yang ingin saya potong-potong
Grimm
dan sebar di lautan. “P
ak sudah di tandatangani, sekarang kemana lagi?” Ia pun
mengeluarkan cap dan memberikan tanda sah bagi surat sang biang masalah.

“Sudah selesai nih dek, jangan
lupa kasih saya jasa lelahnya!” katanya sambil berbisik atau mendesah, entah.
Saya bingung dan ingat ada papan bertuliskan ‘Petugas pemerintah yang menerima/meminta
imbalan sama saja dengan korupsi!’ Namun agar tidak bertambah lama dan melihat
telapak tangannya yang masih terbuka kearah saya. Uang lembaran sepuluh ribuan
saya keluarkan tanpa kata-kata dan pergi meninggalkan tempat yang bukan untuk
rakyat jelata.

Bagian II: Salah Jalur, Sang
Petugas Yang Melacur

Selesai berurusan dengan pejabat
pemerintahan yang tidak tahu malu, saya melanjutkan hari yang hampir siang
dengan motor saya terus melaju. Kearah Matraman, lewat Pramuka bermaksud menuju
kawasan padat dan ramai di daerah Sudirman.

Melihat lajur kiri yang penuh dan
tidak beraturan, ah lebih baik mengambil yang kanan untuk masuk terowongan. Tiba-tiba
terlihat barisan pria berbaju cokelat dengan helm putih, ternyata petugas para
polisi sedang lapar dan siap menanti. “Prit!” seorang petugas yang berperut
buncit memberhentikan laju motorku dan terpaksa saya pinggirkan karena keadaan
sudah terjepit.

“Siang pak. Untuk motor harusnya
di lajur kiri, kanan hanya untuk roda empat. Mohon tunjukkan SIM & STNK.”
Tanpa basa basi langsung kukeluarkan SIM C berikut dengan STNK dengan sejuta
pikiran yang penuh duga. Sang polisi kembali melanjutkan, “Bapak urus saja di
Pengadilan atau mau damai disini?” Setengah terkejut dengan tawaran si
pengecut, tapi daripada lama lagi terima sajalah tawaran agar lanjut.

“Damai saja pak, saya hanya
kurir.” Entah ia bodoh, entah buta dibalik jaket baju berdasi rapi tertata. “Ya
sudah, kalau damai disini minimal Rp. 50,000.” Dalam pikirku, pasti aku
menggerutu dasar pemeras rakyat yang tak tahu malu! Kukeluarkan dompet dan
kuambil duapuluhribu, kusodorkan dengan tangan kananku.

“Hanya ada segini pak”, sambil
kutatap si polisi dengan rasa penuh benci. Dia pun menjawab, “Lain kali tidak
boleh dilanggar lagi yah!”, saya pun mengangguk tanda setuju walau di hati
masih ragu. Ketika saya melihat di pinggiran ternyata banyak motor lain yang
diberhentikan pertanda saya tidak sendirian.

Saya jadi teringat sebuah lagu
anak-anak yang pernah dicipta pada jaman dahulu kala:

Pagi-pagi ku kena tilang

Pak polisi berwajah garang

Duapuluh bayar sekarang

Saya apes, polisi senang!

Sedikit modifikasi di lagu bukan
masalah, sekedar menyampaikan informasi dan keluh kesah. Tapi sedikit faktor
ketidak-beruntungan dan lebih banyak lagi faktor pemerasan. Dalam tempo sekitar
tiga jam sudah keluar tigapuluhribu dengan cara yang kejam.

Sedih melihat negeriku ini, yang
kata orang makmur damai sejati. Dalam kenyataannya masih banyak kecurangan yang
dilakukan, hukum dibelokkan, hanya uang yang menjadi incaran. Ironisnya para
pejabat yang katanya bersumpah membela negara yang melakukan hitamnya perkara. Sudah
100 tahun Indonesiaku bangkit, namun lebih tepatnya mati secara nurani yang ada
hanya kenyataan pahit.

26
Jul

Price of Christ

Another day, another dime. While everyone else’s dime is just regular dime, mine is made of the thickest blood and has been buried deep under the mother’s soil that it has turn solid rock. When a human finally found it, it shows the shiniest dime from the way time sculptured it with hard lessons and smoldering look the dime itself shown.


Money is what represents the world to us, with such a pretty marketing package, bonus it’s offer
ed, beautiful things you can have and cuddle at night. Something to accompany the lonely heart of yours. Money in different shapes and sizes, even now you don’t have to carry it anywhere, wow. Beautiful, beautiful money. Be cautious.


We are merely a speckle in this big universe in a bond of unseen emotion and the feelings of curiosity of who, what, when and how we are actually here. Some find it as an inner peace
and feeling of satisfaction that they already know the answer. But the big question now is present-future, the afterlife. What happen next to our biological form are already answered by science: deceased, dust to dust. But what about the life within us? The logos inside that actually made us human and equally valuable to life itself.

I know what happen to me, safe andBlood_of_christ sound beside my Creator, the big JC: Jesus Christ. He has bought me back from the dead that I’m supposed to end with. He has paid for all my sins not with money or gold or any cheque in the world, but He paid mine with His blood. He died for me by being crucified to death even though He did nothing wrong, but He did that with nothing in return but for the sake of my life. The sweet Lord assures my name to be listed to sit and lived with Him forever with nothing but joy and happiness after this world ends.

Kinda too much for ya? Well, I’m telling you that even now when I’m still here and being tortured with all the problems in my life, Jesus Christ always there to ease my pain and always, I mean always give me strength to get through it. I’m not feeling afraid when He’s there, like you found your peace and not afraid to face anything. He’s like all the doctors put together when you’re sick, even better! And what makes it awesome is that He never rejects you when you’re down and even when nobody wants you anymore.


Jesus Christ always open His arms big and wide, and smiles that He wants us to know that everything is gonna be alright from now on. All you have to do is simple; just admit ALL
your mistakes for real, promise to change to a better individual, surrender to His guidance coz He’s good at it, don’t let yourself to steer your life but let Him be your wheel and follow His lead. Just learn to listen, and you know He actually answered all your prayers. That’s it, simple right. The price to be saved by Christ is nothing, but the value is everything.



Based on true story: mine.