Bra1n-w@shed

Another day, another dime. While everyone else’s dime is just regular dime, mine is made of the thickest blood and has been buried deep under the mother’s soil that it has turn solid rock. When a human finally found it, it shows the shiniest dime from the way time sculptured it with hard lessons and smoldering look the dime itself shown.


Money is what represents the world to us, with such a pretty marketing package, bonus it’s offered, beautiful things you can have and cuddle at night. Something to accompany the lonely heart of yours. Money in different shapes and sizes, even now you don’t have to carry it anywhere, wow. Beautiful, beautiful money. Be cautious.

We are merely a speckle in this big universe in a bond of unseen emotion and the feelings of curiosity of who, what, when and how we are actually here. Some find it as an inner peace and feeling of satisfaction that they already know the answer. But the big question now is present-future, the afterlife. What happen next to our biological form are already answered by science: deceased, dust to dust. But what about the life within us? The logos inside that actually made us human and equally valuable to life itself.

I know what happen to me, safe and sound beside my Creator, the big JC: Jesus Christ. He has bought me back from the dead that I’m supposed to end with. He has paid for all my sins not with money or gold or any cheque in the world, but He paid mine with His blood. He died for me by being crucified to death even though He did nothing wrong, but He did that with nothing in return but for the sake of my life. The sweet Lord assures my name to be listed to sit and lived with Him forever with nothing but joy and happiness after this world ends.

Kinda too much for ya? Well, I’m telling you that even now when I’m still here and being tortured with all the problems in my life, Jesus Christ always there to ease my pain and always, I mean always give me strength to get through it. I’m not feeling afraid when He’s there, like you found your peace and not afraid to face anything. He’s like all the doctors put together when you’re sick, even better! And what makes it awesome is that He never rejects you when you’re down and even when nobody wants you anymore.

Jesus Christ always open His arms big and wide, and smiles that He wants us to know that everything is gonna be alright from now on. All you have to do is simple; just admit ALL your mistakes for real, promise to change to a better individual, surrender to His guidance coz He’s good at it, don’t let yourself to steer your life but let Him be your wheel and follow His lead. Just learn to listen, and you know He actually answered all your prayers. That’s it, simple right. The price to be saved by Christ is nothing, but the value is everything.

Based on true story: mine.

Have
you ever reach that point where your life suddenly changes? I mean by changes,
is big, major, extreme, vast change. Where everything that means the world to
you is suddenly just a small pebble and it so longer mean anything now. Because
you believe that something even better is waiting and coming soon. But it all
start with sacrifices; everybody must do a little sacrifices.

I
must confess that now I’m on the stage of changing. What the preachers are
preaching every Sunday mass is happening to me now. What people say in famous
books I’m reading is touching me now, because I believe. Believe in what? In
nothing. When nothing is matter, that is when I can feel free, that’s the time
that I leave all the burdens and become this new…me.

When
I walk home today the sky was dark, the streets were crowded with cars and
motors and busy people trying to get home too. And I see in my pocket is
nothing but around 5 dollar. Now that’s for.. I dunno, until I got my first pay
check, and that is until I got a job first. I don’t deny I’m stressed out,
[hey, I’m no Superman here] but I’m not depressed. Live is full of color and
this one is just a bit of grayish.

Well,
you can say I’m depressed actually. Why? Because in the past week I felt that
someone’s is following me in the street as I crossing, on the bridge and on the
sidewalk. When I look back there was no one there. I see shadows approaching
and I can feel it touches me on my shoulder but there was no one. Hell, its
kinda freak me out, hahahaha.

My
life is on the verge. Gosh, how ironic I’m using the word “verge” when I only
read it in other’s people story in a magazine in the column of “sit and weep”. I got debts to
clear, bills to pay and I ain’t even got a real job. Just thousands and
thousands of interview. But not a word of giving up coming out of my mouth. This
is time for me to change, to throw the old bad habits [oh yeah, I’ve been a
bad, bad boy]. God touches me and remind me that I’ve been spoiling His
blessing. I always want the honey but never taste a sour medicine.

This
is hurt I’m telling you, but all of this is the way to wake me up. Nothing as
good as we’re still reminded with a little gentle touch from the Sweet Lord. Hey,
this probably the gentlest reminder, who knows there are far more harsh way. I just
smile, use my brain and listen to what He gotta say. To many times I close my
ears and eyes and always do what my ego told me.

We
just have to listen when we still could. And the smartest way to listen is when
we learn to be quiet. In peace we can hear He lead us to a better path. We may
not walking or running, maybe we’re crawling slowly so we don’t miss anything. As
in this changes happen, I must put it in action too. I learn to forgive
everyone and forgive myself. Sometimes even a principle and idealism can be
altered as part of sacrificing for a better and bigger part. Because I believe I
can fulfill my goals and still become a better person [hey, I’m living my name!]

Strength,
courage and wisdom, that’s all I need.

I dedicate this writing to Alexander Riau, a
friend in need is a friend indeed.

Dear Dad,

I missed you so much. Between the lines of “I hate you for abandoning
me” and “You jerk, leaving your family like this” yes, I do miss you so much.
Just want to say Happy Father’s Day in a common ways, where son meet up with
their father after so many years apart. Exchanging stories about how regular
life has become, sport teams that does sucks last year or just hanging with
their son and daughters between TV episodes on the couch while their mother
prepare some beers and homemade cookies.

Has this life become a dream so vast I couldn’t have it in my small
hands? Or is it me left behind from the train that supposed to take me..well…I
dunno, somewhere real? I never knew my parents, how they look like, what their
jobs are, what is their favorite food and fragrance, or even know their names.
I’m one of those apples that accidentally fall down the hill far from its tree.

Not making this dramatic, but I just couldn’t lie to myself how I
missed my parents love and touch. Imagining them by my side every Christmas is
shit, I’m telling you. Were those real? I don’t know anymore what is real.
What’s real for me is I gotta work my ass off to support myself day to day in
this city. I have my own dreams to fulfill, I have my own train to catch and
for sure that ain’t easy but I know I can do it.

Its Father’s Day as I take a peek on my desk calendar. I smiled a
little, feeling empty and awkward for celebrating something without anyone to
celebrate for. Imagining whether my dad is a rich folk with two separate tennis
court and a gold fish pond but filled with imitation fish made of gold. Or is
he a professor from a reputable University in London carrying whip lash on his
waist. Or maybe he’s a regular father with one of those Toyota car from early
2000 with a cat and two wives, one of them is pregnant of their 8^th
daughter. Things could happen after 24 years and I never hope for anything, coz
most of the time hope brings you down.

My point is, I just want to see my dad, slap him hard and then hug him
like there’s no tomorrow. Tell him all my stories, share him my problems and
seek for advice. But all I can do is dreaming and until that day comes, I gotta
wake up and pay attention if I wanna go somewhere and be somebody. I wanna make
him proud when he sees his son has become someone, probably better than him.
Well dad, Happy Father’s Day!

The wind in high places swept my
face with its fingers like hypnotizing, slowly peeling my sadness away. I think
of nothing yet my heart cries for the quietness, the wind again carries me away
to the world beyond the night sky, just like tonight.

Leaving me question I cannot even
answer though the puzzle still remain of so many years’ education and pointless
study. No institution ever taught me how to love, no teacher ever teaches me
how to erase the pain away and not even one book of scholars ever mention that
love will always come back no matter how painful it was.

Time has point it fingers on me,
how many seconds I have wasted my youth for things that melted in the day and
frozen in the dawn. My dreams chasing me like a wild beast; its claws ready to
slit my mouth to speak against my own future, my tormented feet running from
its preying eyes. No one could help me but my shadows that are now restless
rescuing me every time I’m in need.

I stood here again with my heart
on my hands saying “protect me, or they will carry me away to the land of false
hopes.” The cold ground had nailed me from going nowhere as I must pay my dues
to what I had done. And what’s killing me is the silence from the inside where
so many talking so loud outside. Oh dear Lord, spare me my fragile soul for me
to keep from the hands of the eternal damnation.

Romance in the cold breeze
singing me the songs of one true journey to eternity. To see is to feel what’s real;
to be is to believe what the future offers us to see. But never take more than
what you give or the one will put lies in your soul just like an unknown thief.
Love is the rhythm for you to walk upon the cloud of freedom, so strong you
never want again to give them. The ray of sunshine felt like an arrow to my
vision as I never walk in light, only guided by one true ally to be my sight.

Now I learn the lesson of being
delicate to reach one true individual, strong enough to fight the storm of the
world full of lies, ignorance, unfairness, deception and most of all betrayal.
I must live long enough to see my work had been done in a world of beauty in my
own reflectance. Sing loud enough for the universe to hear me calling, that I’m
here and always will be.

Love, love is a verb

Love is a doing word

I always think it should be my time to move on and open my heart
again. After so many wound and painful experience I know I cannot quit here and
now. So I give myself a chance to see maybe fate will lead me to the right door
this time. Unee, you know who I’m talking about, gurl…

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

He’s nice, gentle, very sweet but sometimes annoying. He really cares
for me throughout my days, calls, text messages are pouring like water on my
sunny day. He act jealous even though we’re not having any string attached, but
from there I could see his seriousness.

In the night of matter

Black flowers blossom

But then, things just getting awkward. Just about the time I trust him
and trust my instinct, he suddenly backing off. Pulling away and suddenly
shutting down his system like we meant nothing. Another heart is broken, another
memory is open. He’s gone and I’m sitting there alone.

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire of a confession

 PS. I still love Batik. Somehow.

Lyrics by Massive Attack
– Teardrop

(album: Collected, 2006)